So, woke up this morning to hard hitting thunder and constant lightning just in time to see the power go out. Tried falling asleep, but failed. Did some internet stuff, power went out again. Bored, I went through my struggling collection of books. I grabbed The Homecoming by M.C. Merril. A book that I had heard about through the grapevine and was told to be careful where I read it, because the people involved are people I see on a day to day basis. (linky: http://unbated.com/tammy.html)

Anyway, I read all 191 pages this morning and truth be told. I am quite saddened for what happened.
-My heart goes out to the author. He really did love her. I felt empathy in a way, after seeing that one girl, you know, that girl, the girl you're in love with and too chickenshit to tell her, make mistake after mistake, but that was all forgiven when she curled up in your arms, because the world is a better place then. But that girl, who always went for the wrong guy.
-My rage goes out to the community that let justice fail. I guess "fuck you" has to suffice for now.
I guess I am outraged that something like this could happen in such a small town...and no one responsible being brought to justice. It's fucking bullshit. It's unfair. Just another example of our court system failing. You don't see shit like this happening in small towns, well you fucking shouldn't. The fact this case has been forgotten is even more ...well, lack of a better word...bullshit(yeah, no thesaurus today). I guess this book more or less confirmed the rumors, the suspicions I had heard about while living in this town. Crooked cops, wealthy families who act above the law because of connections and money. I just want to get out. So... M.C. my heart truly goes out to you and I do pray that you finally find(or have found) peace in dealing with the loss of your friend. I lost my father due to a suicide. Any tragic death that relates to you only leads you to self-blame and guilt. I was brought up Lutheran as well. It gets "easier" in terms of going by day to day. But it's never going to be forgotten. It (for a lack of a better word again) fucking sucks.

But changing subjects because this book did make me dwell on numerous subjects.

But it really, really got me thinking that ugly fucking question...
Do Nice guys really finish last?
It's cliche, i know, but looking back, I'm starting to see a pattern. Why has every girl chose the worst possible guy? Like, I'm a nice guy, I'm well educated, I'm funny, and I'm easily manipulated. But why are guys that treat them like like shit more...appealing? Is it a maturity thing, because even @ 25, women around my age still choose the worst possible candidate. I don't get it. It's rambling, I know. But truth be told, it fucking sucks. Is it that whole genetic thing? Trying to sub-consciously find a stronger mate for strong offspring? Because I believe we have evolved enough to learn better. What do I know anymore? I might as well put research into this. Fuck

Song - Millencolin- A-10
I know in the past i went with albums of the moment, but I just feel this song does justice to my feelings right now.

Feel free to leave comments and feedback.

I've kept way too many thoughts and emotions to myself. I don't like it here. Back in Yankton. Miserable...yet bearable. Broke with no job does suck, but honestly, it's a welcomed break, something I've never really had the last few years. But I think this break is coming to an end. It's a good thing...I hope. I'm bored. I've become lazy. Shit sucks.
See...this is what happens when you postpone a creative feeling. You find yourself stumbling for words to throw on. Almost like they're...filler. I'm not the same man as the one who created this blog to do the hip thing, to express my feelings. This is what got me writing and from there, the only true solace I seem to have anymore. I think I've...grown. It's scary...but good. I think I almost see life in a different light.

Dreams...Do i still have them? I don't know anymore. I don't know what my goals are anymore. I don't know what i want to be when i grow up...still. 7 majors and nothing. Is this my true generation? The generation of those who don't want to have the same timeline as other generations? We don't care about that I guess...I guess we just want to live for now, live for whatever keeps us sane? Because being happy is such a rare thing. Like really happy. Not like that whole grin and nod. Am I too serious? But regardless. I don't care. I don't like the idea of working anymore because everyone around here is a moron. This is the problem of being too educated for certain jobs. If i do get a job, I just get frustrated and I feel trapped after seeing all my coworkers who have been there for 5+ years. I don't like being trapped.
I don't know what I want for my life. I just like taking it one day at a time.
Maybe I should finish school?
Maybe I should keep writing?
dunno.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.
So...sorry for a half assed post.
but to keep up with tradition.
Song of the moment - Ignite "Live for better days"
movie - Akira, forgot how much I loved this film"

but stay tuned in to see how I'm going to deal with being the big 26 and if I ever do...pick my life back up.

Ok, i haven't wrote anything for months, not since this summer, my escapism pretty much cut off all originality, and a lot of needed dreaming, so now i'm gonna make a go at this again...this blogging.
First things first, let's get a few things straight.
I hate the term "blog."
I rarely censor myself, or hold punches. if i have an idea, emotion, or rant to convey...i don't stop myself. (but if any reader has a problem with this, i'll take suggestions on how to fix it).
I have the tendency of sounding like i'm really down or depressed, i'm usually not, I just write to make myself feel better. It works better than anti-depressants, trust me.
ok, now...

I'm in sioux falls....again.
The weather sucks, friends are few it seems.
Ever get the feeling of uncertainty? I'm getting that again...I have to quell that uprising if i ever plan to graduate. School...meh, it's there, i get to play catch up...yay.
It's snowing out there, those big snowflakes, to me, big snowflakes are always a sign of some lurking doom or horrible events. The last time i saw huge snowflakes...a friend died.
I like this facebook thing...kind of. It's nice to see everyone's on their chosen paths...and that's great. But i feel so far away from that life. That life when all i did was sit at home, and type on messenger. Now, it feels like i've left all those friends behind. At one point I felt like a pillar to everyone, now i'm just a painting on the wall, keeping my distance from people. What happened to me?
In my mind, I keep coming across one of those forwards someone once sent me, about people coming in and out of your life, some leave a mere trace of themself in your life...some stick with you forever.
I'm wondering if those friends i promised that i'd be with forever...were the mere trace afterall.
I'm supposed to have class in 2 and a half hours, but due to the fact i haven't slept yet, prob not going to happen.
Peace.

it's a new year...again, not a lot has changed, just the usual
friends
family
living arrangements
new debts
new music
new ambitions
new hopes
it's weird, it seems that everytime i get close to rock bottom, something pulls me out of it, whether it be the parent, the bro, or just sheer dumb luck, or occasionally good friends.
this was the first fall in a long time where i didn't completely succumb to depression, am i growing up?
maybe
is it that i have better, supportive friends
maybe
is it that my family is as tight as it used to be
maybe
there's a lot of maybes in life i've noticed
i've said this before, but i mean it,
the name travis means "one at crossroads" that's my whole life
biggest crossroad
the future, always has been
i've been through 7 majors, haven't really liked any
i'm starting to think that it might be a "me" problem
(it actually is)
there are two parts of me constantly at war, the productive, optimistic type who tells me such things as "computer science IS for you"
then the other part, the counter-productive, pessimistic type, who is extremely bigger than the other part tells me it was a mistake, a big mistake, no one likes you in this class, it's a dead end field...etc
i listen to the pessimistic part...too much
failing at life has been the only thing i've "succeeded" at, but recently
i've managed to write a script, i'm going to film and direct it, i have a few friends who are down with it, i think i've passed their expecations, but i'm constantly thinking of how i can pull it off, you know
equipment, capital, the necessities
and i'm getting a lot of encouragement from friends,
but more from myself
to honor this blog
and this life of mine, i even named it failing at life
i hope it does alright, if it makes a film festival, i'll be happy
oh yeah
michelle
i hope you're reading this
comment me and give me your addy or website, i'd like to talk to someone who feels the way i do
because it just struck me, michelle is the name of one of the main characters in my script
coincidence?

ok...not a lot has happened since my last post...BUT
1.LOST my job-got fired...big suprise...oh well
2.my old bike got sold...have money
3.slowly making amends with the mom
4.got internet...bitches
5.i'm in the final stages of completing a script
6.i have a head cold right now
7...
ok i'm out of stuff
life...not bad
not great
it's there though
and now...
recommendations
since it's been a while i'll put down a few
music-AFI-december underground-if you were a fan since the beginning...might not be for you, if you were like me and started listening to their last three albums...it's good
motion city soundtrack-i saw them live on thursday, good fucking show, i love this band
modest mouse-this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about-i recommend this highly-put this in your car's cd player...and drive
movies
Brick-awesome...fucking awesome
wicker man-don't fucking go, went last night, first 5/8 was interesting then the story took a nose dive...it sucked something fierce
politics *new*-usually i don't like turning this into one of those political blogs that people bitch about BUT
living in SD, vote against the abortion ban...it's a woman's choice (NOT mine) not some old white man's, the abortion ban made SoDak take one giant step backwards in progress, so, if
a.)you vote
b.)belive that abortion is necessary in things such as RAPE or INCEST, and
c.)people who get abortions do it due to CIRCUMSTANTIAL reasons, not because they are "godless" "whores" etc
so...
SoDak....
grow the fuck up and move the fuck on...i'm stuck here for now
Kisses!

lately i've been feeling more and more disconnected from the human race, now it seems that i do nothing but work, especially that i switched to nights for an extra dollar an hour. life's just weird to me these days...i spend most of my time off of work...in my room, watching my latest addiction and smoking...i'm just afraid of life getting TOO repetitive, tonight wasn't so bad, hung out with the bro, had good times, met people...
it seems that at least once a year i get a weird notion that friends aren't friends anymore, but i guess that's just my whole abandonment issues thing...i've had an interesting life so far. i do plan on continuing, i'm still deciding what i can do with my life, but i'm taking my time on it...i like my job
(pause for drama...pause for drama....pause for drama)
i actually do
i get paid WELL
to make steel dies for aluminum extrusion...i'm actually getting dirty, none of this sit on a phone or sell shit bullshit...it's real work
i like it
i'm still adjusting to nights, but i like it too, which means i can be awake to listen to Coast to Coast AM, the best radio program...EVER.
the only thing i really need in my life right now...(well don't need, want) is maybe a female companion...that would be awesome, but it seems that everytime i mention this to an unsingle man...i always get the same response...don't.
i guess i don't like being tied down...a woman would tend to do that...
i need to get out and see the fucking world
i'm only 23 years old...i got a lot of life left...i hope
i need to drink a guinness in Ireland
i need to watch a soccer game in scotland...and live
i need to get lost in Tokyo
i need to drink Fosters in Australia
i need to get an old school (pre machine) tribal tattoo in Hawaii
i need to do a lot
so maybe a woman isn't such a great idea now
maybe
oh well
my morale is good and i'll keep fighting on
with love...

ok, i haven't blogged for a bit...
a lack of internet has caused this...
but, other wise than that...it's been frustrating.
i had a job for over two weeks but just got fired on thursday...why? "i wasn't working out" which translates to...i have no idea. friends are few these days, since i got back this town has been in shambles with people. my best friends have been either fucked over or have disappeared. women..always a tough subject, it's hard to like a woman when she talks to your enemy...seriously.
so, back on the job search again...it sucks
back on the friend search...it sucks even more
those of you who still read this...thank you, please feel free to comment
those of you who don't...i don't care about you either...
umm
that's about it...
life is pretty fucking frustrating most of the time. i don't know why i bother sometimes...but whenever i feel that...something positive usually comes my way.
take care