i hate school, i decided to go back, knowing the misery i'd get from it, the misery came in the form of my financial aid, i'm getting 2600 for an $8000 school, which means, i need to take out loans...i'm pissed. i don't fit in, everyone's the same there and i stick out like a sore thumb, everyone's "pretty." the men have a build and wear nothing but polos and khaki shorts, the women, all of them are blonde, anorexic/bulimic, and all wear the same thing. it's sick, there's no such thing as individuality, it's like their robots, they say the same shit every day
guys-dude, i was so fucking wasted last night
girls-well, like she blah blah blah fucking blah
people do make me sick. i don't belong anywhere really. i guess i'm a nowhere man.

i need one, i need a break, i need a road trip where it is just me, a large bottle of soda (preferably dr. pepper) a carton of camel lights...no scratch that, a carton of lucky strikes, my cd's and no one else and i go to wyoming to visit my uncle, sit back, drink some beers and talk about the past events of my life, i need a debriefing, ya know, come to think of it, i really haven't had one. everything's just been a rush and then BAM, nothing. we went from initial shock to making funeral arrangements, to cleaning up and selling an entire farm, to financial dealings and now...nothing. so what have i done, nothing, i don't even really hang out with friends anymore, i've been watching movies, reading, and smoking.
on those rare occurences i do go out, i get stuck doing something i'm not fond of. ever have one of those girls you would do anything before because there is still a part of you that has feelings (although a small part, it still has a loud voice) i know i'll never be with her, (she's pratically engaged, i know better) BUT anyways...i'll do anything for her, when she calls with that sweet voice, i'm jello. she did this last night, said she was at the zebra, then called again saying she was at the cockatoo...the strip club. i'm 22 and an adult, i've never been to a strip club before, but this was that girl you can't say no to. so what do i do, i go, and do i like seeing women in their 40's gyrating...no. do i like having drunk guys stare at me wanting to pick a fight, no. so what did i do, stuck around for an hour, got some food at mcd's and went home and tried falling asleep.
escapes...well, my escapes have consisted of well, smoking a lot of camels, blogging (rarely) listening to music while driving, taking lexepro, and more ink. i got another tattoo, i'm afraid i'm addicted, i enjoyed the feeling, it's hard to explain. it's a rush, and then when it's over you get the sore feeling that you get after being in a fight, your skin is raw and bloody, all to show the world what matters most, forever.
i haven't done this in a while BUT
recommendations
music-arcade fire-funeral-it's one of those not so mainstream acts going to a form of a mainstream-hooked-pretty pretty stuff, thank you chris

movie-well, there's two that i've recently seen and fell in love with

Amores Perros-it reminds me of a hard hitting pulp fiction-but comparing it with pulp fiction is a travesty-it deserves far better, its plot starts with a car accident and goes from there and the impact the accident has and the events leading up to it, and it has dogs...i like dogs

Elephant-directed by Gus Van Sant-takes place in a suburban school on a typical autumn day, very non-linear and it shows the events leading up to a columbine-esque shooting, i loved this, when it ended i was open-mouthed and tearing up-truly beautiful-thing to watch for-the isolation of the characters-wow, in a word, wow