3 days left...
3 days left to the auction of my childhood
few people can say that, i'm unfortunately one of them. everyone wants to have the same house they grew up in, the same parents, and the same friends. to those who actually have that happening in their lives...fuck you for living a lie. i guess i'm angry, yesterday, instead of having a few cool refreshing beverages...i had to move cattle panels, why?
because my dad shot himself, he took a mossberg plinkster .22 pressed it to his neck facing up, and pulled the trigger, because he took the ultimate chicken shit way out. that's why, that's why my life is a mess, one moment nothing, the next moment i'm crying on the phone with my mom while my fist is still bleeding from punching a wall.
my favorite question, how you doing?
"ok"
"not bad"
"i want to take a fire extinguisher and bash someone in the face till there's nothing"
"miserable"
"..."
"i'll be ok"
i think the last one is closest to how i really feel. i still have a harvest basket o'emotions
but saturday, we auction, piece by piece, the last things that tie me to that farm, including the house, then, i walk away and start something else.
that's what's been wrong with me for the longest time, having that one loose thread to take care of, i've made up with almost everyone, except for my father. ironically, my uncle and i discussed me making up with him, the night before. i wonder, sometimes, that if i did make up with him, would he still shoot himself? it's an ongoing puzzle to me. i know i'll solve it someday
...
cd-hope of the states-the lost riots-ever wonder what it's like to lose someone like suicide-listen to this album, i'll end my post with the lyrics to one of my fave songs by them
Don't Go to Pieces Are you tired and are pushed to the side? Are you broken whenever you try? Just get up again and let everyone know You're gonna try your best, and you'll never let go Don't you go to pieces now I need you more than I ever did Don't you go to pieces now I need you all the time Are you angry when you look at the world So desperate it's making you ill Don't be alone or frightened by all that you see There's a million good hearts like you and like me Don't you go to pieces now I need you more than I ever did Don't you go to pieces now I need you all the time Don't you go to pieces now I need you all the time Don't you go to pieces now I need you all the time It's alright to be alone sometimes But please come back tomorrow I need you all the time It's alright to be alone sometimes But please come back tomorrow I need you all the time The people you leave behind Will worry all the time Why don't you realise And why won't you try?
ok, so i've been "gone" for a bit, why? i got a fucking job working at a credit card center, that's right, i'm helping americans get into more debt...the dumb bastards, haha. and for once, i might actually be at *GASP* a good job
why?
1.) i have not heard ANY country music in my job.
2.) there are more cars than pickups (pickups = bad)
3.) i don't have to be face to face with customers, i have the saftey of a phone line
4.) people actually either a.) get my humor or b.) pretend they do, i don't get the looks of confusion anymore
5.) co-workers know how to do math
6.) drug test
7.) there's a constant supply of coffee
8.) i have not yet been invited to join a paintball league run by a guy who wears shirts that say slayer or sepultura
9.) instead of going through 2 days of training and then being placed on the phone only to panic and hide under the desk, crying uncontrollably, i get three+ weeks, but the crying under the desk-still inevitable
10.) i have not heard "git-r-done"
i know, i'm not that excited, but yeah, a fucking job, that makes the world a better place. other news, i got an apartment, it's a bit rundown, but...it's my own apartment. other financial news...the life insurance is coming in, REAL soon. i'll bet out of debt soon (fingers crossed).
in other news, for the first time in a long time, i'm feeling something...hope. i feel my life turning back to the direction it used to be, i feel like i'm actually thinking again, i'm almost there, but i don't know where "there" is. it feels like i'm on a change for the best.
CD-Jets To Brazil-Orange Rhyming Dictionary-awesome album-it's the perfect blend of distress and relaxation (hard to describe the mood i get from them, it's an up and down experience.)
movie-Night of the Creeps - horrible 80's b movie-there is a part in the movie in which the sidekick to the hero is visiting the restroom and written on the stahl wall, is the band name Stryper..the movie sucked, i fell asleep, but any movie that can reference Stryper, the christian hair metal band, is alright in MY book.
yours truly
(and kicking ass)
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