ok, so i had the second interview for the bank job today...i find out tuesday...
spent some time in sioux falls a couple days ago, it was very very needed. by the way, this is a quick post, i have nothing really to say, except i'm going camping tonight, wahoo.

cd-Weezer-Make Believe-i've been a weezer fan for years, love them, the new album, unlike everyone...love it, it's good, it's combining the awesomeness of the first two albums-but it's not as good (but no album will ever be that good)

Movies-I heart Huckabees-got interrupted twenty minutes into it...damn people, but it looked good

i have an interview tomorrow, at a bank processing center. i hope i get it...
yeah, at a concert tonight...i don't know why, i was there for friends, and after awhile, i felt out of place, i don't know why, maybe because i was one of the oldest ones there, or maybe, i just don't belong in this town and or state, i only moved down here because i was poor as shit. i'm even more broke, thank you baldwin filters...
speaking of which, i saw that supervisor at the pan last night, i thanked her, for firing me on my mom's 50th i also made sure to thank her for the three weeks of unemployment, without it, i wouldn't have been able to deal with my father's suicide, so in other words...it was a fuck you for making my life MORE miserable.
saw the new star wars movie last night...it was excellent, i sat in the line for 3 and a half hours...unemployment does have its benefits, got my tickets, came back at 10 and waited for two more hours and then, it was awesome, Lucas made up for the first two movies, i was very happy. other than that...
CD of the day-A Perfect Circle-Mer De Noms
Movie of the day-Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
Feeling-alone and alienated-i need culture

woke up late this morning, realize how much i need to start doing something with my life...i've been pathetic. three weeks without a job, any suggestions? at least i still have cigarettes and a couch. instead of watching people play xbox, i decided to catch up on internet trends, i.e.-"googling" one's own name...what did i come up with? the obituary for my father and my name listed as one of the south dakota students who got to perform at carnegie hall. yeah, i should start doing something more with this site as well, i think i might rip off my friend's idea and review media. for starters...

i would like to take this oppurtunity to list my top ten albums(at this moment, my opinion changes over time)
1.The Beatles - Revolver (this is the best album of all time)
2.Neutral Milk Hotel - In the aeroplane over the sea (it's oh so pretty, be sure to check out all the side projects from this)
3.The Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I (goosebumps-enough said)
4.Alkaline Trio - Maybe I'll Catch Fire (i generally hate emo, but there are very few bands i like, alkaline being one of them, their lyrics are very original and their title track describes what it's like to be alone and depressed)
5.Ben Folds Five - every album (i know, i know. i should just pick one album, but i can't, start off with whatever and ever amen)
6.Guster - Lost and Gone Forever -(wow, just wow)
7.Face To Face -Don't Turn Away -(motivational punk-it's awesome)
8.Radiohead - The Bends (yes, The Bends is my fave radiohead album. so? well, be sure to checkout Ok Computer as well)
9.Sublime - 40 oz. to freedom -(yeah, i used to smoke pot, but either way, great album)
10.Weezer - self-title blue album - (their first, and one of their best, i'll throw this is in my cd player, sing along to every song and be happy, great album)
these albums i recommend to everyone

still jobless...still very very jobless, but i have my health. after dealing with a lawyer, asshole relatives, and auctioneers, i'm happy to be having a night to myself in sioux falls. i was cordially invited to a bday party tonight, by a girl. i've known sarah since my freshman year, then lost touch with her over the last few years, then she just appeared one night, it's weird how that works. anyways, she rocks. my tattoos are still sore, it annoys me to no end. good news on the farm front, i think we might be able to cover the $90,000 debt that are father left behind, by selling everything, farmland, house, childhood memories. this last week, an extreme rollercoaster of emotions, i caught myself blowing up and punching walls and then crying on the phone with my mom. it's a fucking mess. he killed himself and left behind piles and piles of paperwork such as disability rejections, bills, insurance papers, etc. he also left 80 acres of land, 6 head of cattle (which sold for 800 a head), machinery, and anything worth selling so we can take care of things. part of me is just worn out, part of me is angry at him for doing this to us, part of me is sad and part of me blames myself for not being a better son (this is a small part). so i guess, this is how all people deal with a suicide.

ok, so i believe that tonight, i'm buying into a trend, a legacy if you will, i'm getting my first tattoo, maybe two of them. the first one will be a memorial to a friend that was the inspiration that fuels jeff and i, his name was eric and he died march 18th, 2002, his nickname was pooky. so one day it came to me, i want the pooky from garfield tattooed on me playing the bass and jeff wanted the same thing, only his pooky would be playing the accoustic guitar. my other tattoo would be the japanese character for family, after recent events, my brother and i decided to get that as well. other wise than that, the job hunt is on. i lost my job on the 29th of april, the sup did not like me and told the boss lady i was "too slow." the 29th was my mom's 50th bday and it was a day before the death of my father, i just want to say, that i would wish for that vindictive bitch to burn in hell for adding more misery and stress to my life. so anyways...enough hate for now, i'm still numb, not feeling any emotion, i don't even have ambition anymore. so the job hunt is taking longer than expected. well, back to the job hunt, take care of yourselves, and oh yeah, tell all of your family members that you love them, you never know what tomorrow holds.

saturday, april 30th...
the unbelievable happened, after losing his bus driving job (19 years) my father who i have not spoken to in over 4 years, took his own life.
wednesday was the funeral, i don't feel much like going into detail, i've repeated everything and everything more than 5 times...but right now, to describe my mood...
numb, very numb, no feeling, it hasn't hit me, i'm not in denial, i'm not in any of the grieving stages, i'm numb. i'm saddened, angered, and so on, but i can't consistently carry an emotion, so ...
i'm numb