ok, i'm on a once a week thing on this thing, i can barely commit to classes let alone a blog, i haven't gone to classes for about 3 weeks now. i have no motivation, life just sucks. i have no drive, no ambition. i'm getting poor, my mom's going to cut me off even though i helped her out in the past, i blame the new hubby. i need a job, but no one wants to hire me anymore. i need a new location, but, where? i'm frustrated with me life, i haven't slept yet today and i can't sleep after the fun phone call with my mom. i'm actually rather manic right about now. if you really think about it, life is pointless, you go through school, which is miserable to those who have a brain, then you go to college, which is even more miserable because you are surrounded by people whose idea of college is getting hammered every night, then you graduate to find yourself immersed in a debt with a dead end job that your major never really covered (i.e. manager at a department store) you get married, have kids, then die. what kind of life is that? not for me, fuck that.
fuck you dad, for killing yourself
fuck you mom, for marrying an ass
fuck you jeff, for moving to san diego and ditching your family
fuck you society for never really giving me a chance
and best of all
fuck me, because i made a lot of bad choices and now i'm paying for them, i'm an idiot

ok,
so the wedding went alright, my mom was happy, i guess you can't beat that.
i guess this post won't really matter, most of them don't, i realize i'm doing this to feel like i'm not alone in the world, but after tonight, i'm convinced i am. my brother dropped out of school and is running off to san diego with one of my best friends. my mom's not around and i can't talk to her, i don't want to ruin her honeymoon. my friends are never available to talk to. my friends in sioux falls don't call, no one does anymore. it feels like i have nothing anymore, just a pile of possessions and on one to share them with, i don't have a brother around here anymore, i don't have friends around here anymore. i have nothing. and tonight, for a brief second, for a moment, i had a thought, that hasn't come to me for 10 years...suicide. i don't plan on doing it, it's a cowards way, i'm not a coward. school sucks, i haven't been there for about ...two weeks. everyone tells me to finish, or get a degree. no one has a fucking answer, because i'm done thinking for myself, i'm too crazy to. i'm just dead inside, after your father kills yourself, your mom marries someone you're not fond of, after your brother leaves, after the rest of your family abandons you, after all your friends forget about you, how do you deal anymore? you don't. life's too frustrating for me anymore, it looks like...i'm going to have to start rebuilding. start a new life.
because this life...
has failed for me.
love,

countdown: 1 week
event: a unity between a man and a woman
specifics: my mom's getting remarried
thoughts: i don't know
it's weird to explain how i feel these days

i have two minds
i have two families
i'll break it down here
minds? there's two personalities in me, there's the ambitous, sucessful hopeful trav, and then there's dark trav, the one that see's no positive, (the dark trav reminds me of the android from hitchhiker's guide), so these two, are fighting all the time.
families: so my "real" family shat upon me, after all the business was taken care of, we went our own ways..well they did
mom-found happiness with a man i don't trust
brother-lost who he was, forgot who his friends are, forgot who is brother was...old jeff, you are missed, comeback, i miss being geeks, i miss talking for hours and arguing, but now, that old part of you isn't good enough to hang with the new self
i guess just another asshole...once again, you are missed

my new "family"-we are a bunch of misfits, society never wanted us, but they have a new world, one filled with a weird, yet comforting freedom, before my dad died, i was walking this line, of being upright, and snobby, looking down on all "those" people, you know, the people who dress different, have tattoos, piercings, ride motorcycles, etc. but now, i'm all of those, and to be honest, for the first time in my life....i'm accepted.
i'm with "my" people, i'm with the most down to earth people ever, while being the guy i used to look down on, i don't care what people think about me, no one should, ya know? live your fucking life, regardless of what anyone has told you, you are fucking unique, you are different, tyler durden was way off, you ARE a unique snowflake. everyone's different, its' the way the world is, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. i realize this, even i do.
so in essence, if you are reading this, you still give a shit about me...thanks
if you are reading this and know me, drop me a line sometime, i'm depressed and lonely this time of year, and always, always willing to go for a cup of coffee.
as imperfect as my life seems, as shitty as i've made it out to be (most of it is true)...i'm still living
i'm still here to say "i got a lot left in me, what next" i'm ready to take the world on, it'll take a bit, but i'm not fucking stupid, i never really was, i can be "dim" but hey, who isn't?
and just to let all you down kids know, suicide, is never the way to go, it may be a release for you...but think about your peers, your friends, and your family, it destroys everything. it takes them apart piece by piece.
life sucks, god is cruel, well, he's a bit of everything i guess, but you know what???
take a breath of air and realize...you're still alive

music-The Get Up Kids-Four Minute Mile-the officical soundtrack of Trav's autumn, pick it up, it's good, a lot of it reminds me of my first year of college, and now relistening to it after years and years of collecting dust...it brings back feelings i can never describe to you-enjoy it yourself

movie-i've been watching CSI non stop...here, we'll do this
pick a movie that you like...that i might not have seen...and put it in my comments
because you fuckers...
aren't commenting