tonight, has been, an utter rollercoaster ride of tragedy, loss, and the great Unknown kicking me when i'm down. first, i'm in yankton, hometown, so i can get my taxes done and my eyes checked out. taxes...will be good, hopefully. eyes...my eyes need surgery sooner or later, my eyesight still remains its pitiful condition, but i get new frames out of the deal. then, after spending hours upon hours troubleshooting my roommates computer with a friend and calling its death at 16:09 Saturday, the poor bastard. now, the serious part
months back, almost a year back, i fell in love with a girl, stupid me, i ended up with a really cool friend out of the deal. i come back after not speaking to her for months and discover she has been on heroin. i don't blame myself, and i never will, but the way she has been acting (she didn't remember my brother, a classmate of hers) and after seeing her tonight, i had it confirmed, a lost cause.
after driving around for hours listening to the most perfect rain music, i decided to stop at home, check email, and make payments...
one day late on my laptop loan...i'm charged with 117 extra dollars of late fees. so yeah, more money i have to fight for.
so, on my way to the pan, as usual, to make it in time to visit my bro, i did a rolling stop through a stop sign, in front of a cop...i now have a ticket to take care of.
well, at least i didn't hear git r done tonight...i would've killed someone with a spoon or drowned them in a urinal..
so, life falls apart, the real question is...can i put it back together, or should i file bankruptcy (or according to our landlords, "bankrupsy"-we found their "bankrupsy" files when we moved in) and live off of welfare...fuck that
i need a real job
fuck the man-"he" only gets richer off of dumb kids like me who need a buck
fuck the woman-it sucks working under a woman-they are more ruthless and evil then men
fuck the office-i'm surrounded by women who got married at age 19 to 21 and are in ignorant bliss since-if i see one more of their kids being brought into the office, i will drop kick it
fuck the banks/credit cards-you'll get your money...when i'm damn ready to give it to you
fuck school-well fuck USF, there's better stuff out there
fuck chemicals-i might need to start taking the "henry rollins approach" when it comes to friends on drugs
and...
well, i'm out of things to curse at...except halo 2..
and school children.

the name travis means "one who is at crossroads." with that being said i have to wonder, do people actually live their name? because i do. I'm stuck between a heaven and a hell...heaven is going to school and making something of myself and hell is living in my mom's basement. i'm not going to school and i'm not living in my mom's basement quite yet. it's just weird, after being in school (from elementary to now) for 16 years and ...taking a break, is weird, it's like a summer, but not, it sucks, no one knows how much it sucks. i ended up calling my mom up on a friday night and asking..."do you think i'm a failure?" she of course said no and told me to get my shit together. i've wasted 3 and a half years of school on what? worthless shit. my mom thinks i should get back into youth ministry...
it's not that i don't believe in God and it's not that i am not a christian...i just dislike the vast majority of the brainwashed, close minded, homophobic, racist, sheep known as modern christians. (i can judge them...can't i?) BUT, watching kids grow up and not experience that thing called life, just sucks, i've done it before. kids who are too afraid of sinning to make mistakes, to learn the real way, kids who are too sheltered to take in REAL culture such as music and art (none of this christian rock bullshit, it's all a bunch of musical hacks who failed at mainstream anyways). so with all that being said...what else is there for me? another religion? a different location, a new school? new friends?- who don't constantly point out my shortcomings hoping for me to improve on them when instead...it makes me fucking depressed.
yes, i'm ugly
yes, i'm portly
yes, i'm not all there
yes, i don't think as much as i need to
yes, i'm financially and physically irresponsible...
so what.
i'm trying to change
after all
i don't want to be a failure for that long

trav