failing at life

The Homecoming

2009-06-18T11:49:00.002-05:00

So, woke up this morning to hard hitting thunder and constant lightning just in time to see the power go out. Tried falling asleep, but failed. Did some internet stuff, power went out again. Bored, I went through my struggling collection of books. I grabbed The Homecoming by M.C. Merril. A book that I had heard about through the grapevine and was told to be careful where I read it, because the people involved are people I see on a day to day basis. (linky: http://unbated.com/tammy.html)

Anyway, I read all 191 pages this morning and truth be told. I am quite saddened for what happened.
-My heart goes out to the author. He really did love her. I felt empathy in a way, after seeing that one girl, you know, that girl, the girl you're in love with and too chickenshit to tell her, make mistake after mistake, but that was all forgiven when she curled up in your arms, because the world is a better place then. But that girl, who always went for the wrong guy.
-My rage goes out to the community that let justice fail. I guess "fuck you" has to suffice for now.
I guess I am outraged that something like this could happen in such a small town...and no one responsible being brought to justice. It's fucking bullshit. It's unfair. Just another example of our court system failing. You don't see shit like this happening in small towns, well you fucking shouldn't. The fact this case has been forgotten is even more ...well, lack of a better word...bullshit(yeah, no thesaurus today). I guess this book more or less confirmed the rumors, the suspicions I had heard about while living in this town. Crooked cops, wealthy families who act above the law because of connections and money. I just want to get out. So... M.C. my heart truly goes out to you and I do pray that you finally find(or have found) peace in dealing with the loss of your friend. I lost my father due to a suicide. Any tragic death that relates to you only leads you to self-blame and guilt. I was brought up Lutheran as well. It gets "easier" in terms of going by day to day. But it's never going to be forgotten. It (for a lack of a better word again) fucking sucks.

But changing subjects because this book did make me dwell on numerous subjects.

But it really, really got me thinking that ugly fucking question...
Do Nice guys really finish last?
It's cliche, i know, but looking back, I'm starting to see a pattern. Why has every girl chose the worst possible guy? Like, I'm a nice guy, I'm well educated, I'm funny, and I'm easily manipulated. But why are guys that treat them like like shit more...appealing? Is it a maturity thing, because even @ 25, women around my age still choose the worst possible candidate. I don't get it. It's rambling, I know. But truth be told, it fucking sucks. Is it that whole genetic thing? Trying to sub-consciously find a stronger mate for strong offspring? Because I believe we have evolved enough to learn better. What do I know anymore? I might as well put research into this. Fuck

Song - Millencolin- A-10
I know in the past i went with albums of the moment, but I just feel this song does justice to my feelings right now.

Feel free to leave comments and feedback.

It's been too long...

2009-06-15T03:05:00.002-05:00

I've kept way too many thoughts and emotions to myself. I don't like it here. Back in Yankton. Miserable...yet bearable. Broke with no job does suck, but honestly, it's a welcomed break, something I've never really had the last few years. But I think this break is coming to an end. It's a good thing...I hope. I'm bored. I've become lazy. Shit sucks.
See...this is what happens when you postpone a creative feeling. You find yourself stumbling for words to throw on. Almost like they're...filler. I'm not the same man as the one who created this blog to do the hip thing, to express my feelings. This is what got me writing and from there, the only true solace I seem to have anymore. I think I've...grown. It's scary...but good. I think I almost see life in a different light.

Dreams...Do i still have them? I don't know anymore. I don't know what my goals are anymore. I don't know what i want to be when i grow up...still. 7 majors and nothing. Is this my true generation? The generation of those who don't want to have the same timeline as other generations? We don't care about that I guess...I guess we just want to live for now, live for whatever keeps us sane? Because being happy is such a rare thing. Like really happy. Not like that whole grin and nod. Am I too serious? But regardless. I don't care. I don't like the idea of working anymore because everyone around here is a moron. This is the problem of being too educated for certain jobs. If i do get a job, I just get frustrated and I feel trapped after seeing all my coworkers who have been there for 5+ years. I don't like being trapped.
I don't know what I want for my life. I just like taking it one day at a time.
Maybe I should finish school?
Maybe I should keep writing?
dunno.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.
So...sorry for a half assed post.
but to keep up with tradition.
Song of the moment - Ignite "Live for better days"
movie - Akira, forgot how much I loved this film"

but stay tuned in to see how I'm going to deal with being the big 26 and if I ever do...pick my life back up.

my triumphant return

2008-02-04T07:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, i haven't wrote anything for months, not since this summer, my escapism pretty much cut off all originality, and a lot of needed dreaming, so now i'm gonna make a go at this again...this blogging.
First things first, let's get a few things straight.
I hate the term "blog."
I rarely censor myself, or hold punches. if i have an idea, emotion, or rant to convey...i don't stop myself. (but if any reader has a problem with this, i'll take suggestions on how to fix it).
I have the tendency of sounding like i'm really down or depressed, i'm usually not, I just write to make myself feel better. It works better than anti-depressants, trust me.
ok, now...

I'm in sioux falls....again.
The weather sucks, friends are few it seems.
Ever get the feeling of uncertainty? I'm getting that again...I have to quell that uprising if i ever plan to graduate. School...meh, it's there, i get to play catch up...yay.
It's snowing out there, those big snowflakes, to me, big snowflakes are always a sign of some lurking doom or horrible events. The last time i saw huge snowflakes...a friend died.
I like this facebook thing...kind of. It's nice to see everyone's on their chosen paths...and that's great. But i feel so far away from that life. That life when all i did was sit at home, and type on messenger. Now, it feels like i've left all those friends behind. At one point I felt like a pillar to everyone, now i'm just a painting on the wall, keeping my distance from people. What happened to me?
In my mind, I keep coming across one of those forwards someone once sent me, about people coming in and out of your life, some leave a mere trace of themself in your life...some stick with you forever.
I'm wondering if those friends i promised that i'd be with forever...were the mere trace afterall.
I'm supposed to have class in 2 and a half hours, but due to the fact i haven't slept yet, prob not going to happen.
Peace.

my retrospect

2007-01-05T07:33:00.000-06:00

it's a new year...again, not a lot has changed, just the usual
friends
family
living arrangements
new debts
new music
new ambitions
new hopes
it's weird, it seems that everytime i get close to rock bottom, something pulls me out of it, whether it be the parent, the bro, or just sheer dumb luck, or occasionally good friends.
this was the first fall in a long time where i didn't completely succumb to depression, am i growing up?
maybe
is it that i have better, supportive friends
maybe
is it that my family is as tight as it used to be
maybe
there's a lot of maybes in life i've noticed
i've said this before, but i mean it,
the name travis means "one at crossroads" that's my whole life
biggest crossroad
the future, always has been
i've been through 7 majors, haven't really liked any
i'm starting to think that it might be a "me" problem
(it actually is)
there are two parts of me constantly at war, the productive, optimistic type who tells me such things as "computer science IS for you"
then the other part, the counter-productive, pessimistic type, who is extremely bigger than the other part tells me it was a mistake, a big mistake, no one likes you in this class, it's a dead end field...etc
i listen to the pessimistic part...too much
failing at life has been the only thing i've "succeeded" at, but recently
i've managed to write a script, i'm going to film and direct it, i have a few friends who are down with it, i think i've passed their expecations, but i'm constantly thinking of how i can pull it off, you know
equipment, capital, the necessities
and i'm getting a lot of encouragement from friends,
but more from myself
to honor this blog
and this life of mine, i even named it failing at life
i hope it does alright, if it makes a film festival, i'll be happy
oh yeah
michelle
i hope you're reading this
comment me and give me your addy or website, i'd like to talk to someone who feels the way i do
because it just struck me, michelle is the name of one of the main characters in my script
coincidence?

my return

2006-09-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

ok...not a lot has happened since my last post...BUT
1.LOST my job-got fired...big suprise...oh well
2.my old bike got sold...have money
3.slowly making amends with the mom
4.got internet...bitches
5.i'm in the final stages of completing a script
6.i have a head cold right now
7...
ok i'm out of stuff
life...not bad
not great
it's there though
and now...
recommendations
since it's been a while i'll put down a few
music-AFI-december underground-if you were a fan since the beginning...might not be for you, if you were like me and started listening to their last three albums...it's good
motion city soundtrack-i saw them live on thursday, good fucking show, i love this band
modest mouse-this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about-i recommend this highly-put this in your car's cd player...and drive
movies
Brick-awesome...fucking awesome
wicker man-don't fucking go, went last night, first 5/8 was interesting then the story took a nose dive...it sucked something fierce
politics *new*-usually i don't like turning this into one of those political blogs that people bitch about BUT
living in SD, vote against the abortion ban...it's a woman's choice (NOT mine) not some old white man's, the abortion ban made SoDak take one giant step backwards in progress, so, if
a.)you vote
b.)belive that abortion is necessary in things such as RAPE or INCEST, and
c.)people who get abortions do it due to CIRCUMSTANTIAL reasons, not because they are "godless" "whores" etc
so...
SoDak....
grow the fuck up and move the fuck on...i'm stuck here for now
Kisses!

my disconnection

2006-07-16T02:30:00.000-05:00

lately i've been feeling more and more disconnected from the human race, now it seems that i do nothing but work, especially that i switched to nights for an extra dollar an hour. life's just weird to me these days...i spend most of my time off of work...in my room, watching my latest addiction and smoking...i'm just afraid of life getting TOO repetitive, tonight wasn't so bad, hung out with the bro, had good times, met people...
it seems that at least once a year i get a weird notion that friends aren't friends anymore, but i guess that's just my whole abandonment issues thing...i've had an interesting life so far. i do plan on continuing, i'm still deciding what i can do with my life, but i'm taking my time on it...i like my job
(pause for drama...pause for drama....pause for drama)
i actually do
i get paid WELL
to make steel dies for aluminum extrusion...i'm actually getting dirty, none of this sit on a phone or sell shit bullshit...it's real work
i like it
i'm still adjusting to nights, but i like it too, which means i can be awake to listen to Coast to Coast AM, the best radio program...EVER.
the only thing i really need in my life right now...(well don't need, want) is maybe a female companion...that would be awesome, but it seems that everytime i mention this to an unsingle man...i always get the same response...don't.
i guess i don't like being tied down...a woman would tend to do that...
i need to get out and see the fucking world
i'm only 23 years old...i got a lot of life left...i hope
i need to drink a guinness in Ireland
i need to watch a soccer game in scotland...and live
i need to get lost in Tokyo
i need to drink Fosters in Australia
i need to get an old school (pre machine) tribal tattoo in Hawaii
i need to do a lot
so maybe a woman isn't such a great idea now
maybe
oh well
my morale is good and i'll keep fighting on
with love...

my frustrations...

2006-03-27T19:12:00.000-06:00

ok, i haven't blogged for a bit...
a lack of internet has caused this...
but, other wise than that...it's been frustrating.
i had a job for over two weeks but just got fired on thursday...why? "i wasn't working out" which translates to...i have no idea. friends are few these days, since i got back this town has been in shambles with people. my best friends have been either fucked over or have disappeared. women..always a tough subject, it's hard to like a woman when she talks to your enemy...seriously.
so, back on the job search again...it sucks
back on the friend search...it sucks even more
those of you who still read this...thank you, please feel free to comment
those of you who don't...i don't care about you either...
umm
that's about it...
life is pretty fucking frustrating most of the time. i don't know why i bother sometimes...but whenever i feel that...something positive usually comes my way.
take care

i fucking tried

2006-02-25T05:50:00.000-06:00

i honestly did, i got a job, stopped spending money...
became "responsible"
and what happened?
life did.
my bro's fiancee's grandmother died, it sucks...
and because she has to go back home (i don't blame her)
we can't afford rent...
hell, it's expensive living out here without a college degree...
working at a grocery store won't pay the bills and live in this high standard of living
so, jeff and i came to a decision...
it brings me to tears to say this...
but we're coming back home.
but you know what...
after being on the phone several times with my friend...
i know i at least have three friends waiting for me, hell i even have a gig on the 4th with a friend
i'll leave again,
i'll find a school
there's always hope
ALWAYS
i realized tonight that it's not always me who sabotages things...it just happens, honestly
it's not our time out here, someday it will be
love you all

my new life

2006-02-15T02:26:00.000-06:00

ok, i need to start blogging more...
i'm pathetic
but we all know that...
ok, i love it out here, i'm happy
right now, i'm waiting for my new exciting job to start...NIGHT STOCKER, it pays...
but i'm bored out of my mind during the day, jeff works, nicole works...i have like nothing to do, even internet gaming has gotten boring, somewhat. but i guess that gives me a chance to read and watch movies. i'm still trying to find friends out here...so far i have two, and that's not bad ya know? I also have a girl who i write back and forth to...there's one problem...she's back home. I hope she comes out and visits...and decides she never wants to leave...i have hope.
the attitude out here is so much better, everyone's laid back, people are decent...except at fashion valley...your typical high class assholes, my rough looks do not cut it there.
oh well life goes on
music...don't have any right now
movies...i saw waiting and wedding crashers recently, and despite my hesitations...they were pretty good, laugh your ass off movies. so, if you're bored, and by yourself...check em out.

We're out there having fun, in the warm California sun

2006-01-30T01:10:00.000-06:00

who would've thought that me, of all people, would be enjoying the west coast so much. i'm happy...
ok, for some of you, that's a shock, for others...well, it is a shock, i'm genuinely happy out here. sun is warm, people can drive, there's culture, the women are incredible, and i have a job. i have a fucking job, and i'm looking forward to it. my only problems...hmm, fashion valley, try going there to look for a job looking like me. i walked into express only to have some asshole stare at me like i don't belong...paranoid, i thought i was until i stood outside kenneth cole waiting for jeff to grab an app only to have the guy stare at me as well...ok so i stick out...but someday, i'll lose all my weight, have money, and be able to walk into the same store and treat them like shit.
oh yeah, i like bmw's, always have, great cars. so, i went with jeff and nicole to look at mini coopers (bmw makes them) so we stop at the bmw dealership in escondido and looked around, we walk into the main office and the first guy says...well nothing, he ignores us, the second guy asks us if he can't point us in the right direction...
haha, i love it out here, when i do start making some fucking money...these people will be my bitches...
music...Panic! at the disco - a fever you can't sweat out - ok, it's a bit emo and a whole lot of awesome...i'm hooked, very upbeat stuff, just a great album, super catchy...a must buy

wish you were here...

2006-01-21T23:35:00.000-06:00

ok, so after 36 hours in a car, i made it to San Diego on wednesday at 2 am, the last few days have been pretty much me settling in, handing in applications like crazy, and enjoying the fuck out of this place. it has been nothing but great, i've gotten to see the downtown, experience an awesome italian place as well as your typical "hip" club/restaurant. am i happy? you have no idea. i drove here on nothing but sheer excitement and i have not been let down yet. today, i got to see the ocean, and it was amazing. i'm incredibly inspired to do a lot out here and experience everything i can.
music-the essential bob dylan .
movie-none yet
well, it feels like another door has closed...and a floodgate has opened
those of you who are my friends, i'll miss you every day
those of youwho aren't...go to hell and be sure to enjoy the midwest

dear south dakota

2006-01-16T13:55:00.000-06:00

i'm sorry that i could not stay and tell you this in person, i thought a blog post would suffice, but i am leaving you. after 22 years with you, i realized that you aren't the one for me. we may have had some great times and all, but sd, we weren't made for each other, you are not my soulmate, and in fact you are a very cold, vaspid individual. so....
FUCK YOU
ok, enough of that shit, i have an hour left to go before i leave, weird huh? i'm gone, i'm packed, my apartment's clean, and i'm just out of here, i've said my goodbyes to those that mattered, i've ignored the ones that don't, the last few days i realized who my true friends are, the ones that actually bother calling me and wishing me a happy trip. but i'm gone, i've had it with this state, with these people, i just need something new. keep watching my blog, i'm planning a change very soon.
love and miss you all,
travis

an air hockey tournament, a homeless guy, and a shitty party

2006-01-08T06:18:00.000-06:00

what are things that took place tonight?

ok, so it's early in the morning, can't sleep, i'm worried to death about student loans, after finally checking my mail, my anxiety sometimes gets to the point where i can't even look at my mail...too many bills, and found several student loan notices, i have to call them monday and declare like a hardship because...well, because this year SUCKED, and i need to move beyond that. it's weird, a few months ago, nothing phased me, now...i tend to panic, stress out over little things...

yeah, this year sucked...

2006-01-03T20:30:00.000-06:00

yeah, it sucked, it's over.
in retrospect...i feel a lot older, a lot wiser, and hell. alot more mature after having just a tough year. this year made me realize that things can all fall apart in a matter of a day and it takes months, even years rebuilding. i learned to choose your friends wisely, i made some poor choices, and i made even less wise ones when it came to friends. i learned that a family who is always there for you is priceless even when it seems they aren't. i learned that anti-depressants don't work, but better friends and better sleep work. i also learned that life has a funny way of working out.
i've changed many ways just trying to figure myself out, got tattoos, weapons, bikes, read more, listened to a lot of music, and i realized that know matter what we do, figuring out one's self is something that comes over time.
and now
some media recommendations
(and since i don't post often, i'm recommending a bunch)
for music:
iron & wine/Calexico split...
get it, it's so goddamn good
low - the great destroyer
great music to sit back, light a cigarrette and think
ben folds five - unauthorzied biography of reinhold messner
honestly, one of my all time favorite bff albums, it's that kind've cd you put in your cd player late night after all your friends have gone home and you're stuck by yourself in your car with a pack of smokes and a half tank of gas....
MOVIES-
ok, so i've been packing a lot, and taking trips, so not many movies...

my big move

2005-12-26T21:45:00.000-06:00

january 15th,
i'm outta here
no more winters,
no more gray skies
no more cold
i'm gonna move to southern california
got me a ride and a reason to ignore you
san diego to be specific
why? a second start, a true second start, the future is always a blank card and we decide what goes on that card, and i'm going to san diego, working my ass off, going back to school, hopefully for medicine. why all of a sudden, i have a clear window and now it's time to take a chance, risk almost all that i have, for a better life.
ok, not the best answer. i've had to grow up a lot over the last few months and it has taken its toll on me, there is truly nothing left for me in south dakota, i rarely get calls from friends anymore, except for my brother. i stay in my apartment because, well because there's nothing else to do. i'm old enough to go to the bars, but i'm done with drinking. i could always try and cover up my emptiness with a woman, but in order to love someone else, i need to get my mind straight. and a change is perfect.
i have five more days to the end of this year, it's been a shitty one at that, everything that went wrong, did. i've made my share of mistakes and have had more than my share of heartbreaks. but i guess that's something that i've always admired about mankind, we can go through insane amounts of shit, and walk away from it. i did it. i survived another year in my life, with the help of my closests friends and family. i've had my share of experiences and i really do feel a lot more mature than i ever have. my advice to you...don't give up, there's always some chance that things will get better, and they usually do, you just have to be patient. also, stop and take a break, appreciate the smaller things in life.
i know it's cliche', but so what? it's fucking true
oh yeah
movie - RENT - go fucking see it right the fuck now it's so goddamn great, i laughed, i cried, i felt great, haven't seen a movie that good in a long time, i walked away with a smile.
music - the RENT soundtrack...ok, i do recommend it but seriously....
anything by jets to brazil or jawbreaker
but you may ask, any particualr album to start off with? i say no, just fucking listen, you'll love
keep tuned, i'll try and post some more as...
i escape the midwest

it's 8 something in the morning and i can't sleep

2005-11-26T08:28:00.000-06:00

meds, my new meds...fucking great, they curb my appetite and make me sleep, lots, but considering i woke up last night at 9pm, i need to re adjust my circadian rhythms, well, what's happened since i last posted...hmm, my bro came home to take care of some business, we've been on speaking terms, fucking yay. i got new ink, a geisha girl, it's great. i saw bright eyes and spoon in omaha, great fucking show, except ya know that connor is on coke, haha, that little guy has too much energy. but none the less, i recommend the hell out of them if you don't listen to them now. i've switched to a better group of friends, one that come over to my apartment and say, yah, i have nothing to do, can i clean? (yeah, hard to believe, but true). my step dad has proven to be a bigger dick (if that was possible) he wouldn't even spend thanksgiving with his new family and now he's having my mom kick out my brother who is temp. staying there so his aunt can crash there a few days while she looks for a new job...translation...his pot smoking aunt is not going to find a job and is probably going to be there for more than a few days. but jeff goes back to san diego sometime in december. me...
i'm thinking of selling my bike and joining him, i see an oppurtunity, so i'll just have to take it. they have a decent school there and it's not south dakota
i'll get a real chance to start over and get away from the winter here, literally and metaphorically. it just seems this place is a winter tundra at all times, it's devoid of culture and everyone just drinks and fucks. i want to start a band (for fun) and fall in love while staring out into the ocean. i want to go to a real school, one that actually can get me somewhere. i want to do something because this life of nothing...is taking its toll on me.
ok, now to continue tradition...

movie - Jarhead - based on anthony swafford's best selling novel, it depicts a marine's experience in the first gulf war. very ironic in many ways but a chilling performance by jake gyllenhall (sp?) a must see.

music - jack's mannequin - everything in transit. the front man from something corporate released a hell of a side project that he wrote while on the west coast, it's incredible, it did not leave my car for about 3 weeks. buy it now.

that's it for now, stay tuned as your hero (me) prepares for a great journey.
love....

a nothing life

2005-10-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

ok, i'm on a once a week thing on this thing, i can barely commit to classes let alone a blog, i haven't gone to classes for about 3 weeks now. i have no motivation, life just sucks. i have no drive, no ambition. i'm getting poor, my mom's going to cut me off even though i helped her out in the past, i blame the new hubby. i need a job, but no one wants to hire me anymore. i need a new location, but, where? i'm frustrated with me life, i haven't slept yet today and i can't sleep after the fun phone call with my mom. i'm actually rather manic right about now. if you really think about it, life is pointless, you go through school, which is miserable to those who have a brain, then you go to college, which is even more miserable because you are surrounded by people whose idea of college is getting hammered every night, then you graduate to find yourself immersed in a debt with a dead end job that your major never really covered (i.e. manager at a department store) you get married, have kids, then die. what kind of life is that? not for me, fuck that.
fuck you dad, for killing yourself
fuck you mom, for marrying an ass
fuck you jeff, for moving to san diego and ditching your family
fuck you society for never really giving me a chance
and best of all
fuck me, because i made a lot of bad choices and now i'm paying for them, i'm an idiot

my life is a boring pop song, and everyone's singing along

2005-10-18T05:18:00.000-05:00

ok,
so the wedding went alright, my mom was happy, i guess you can't beat that.
i guess this post won't really matter, most of them don't, i realize i'm doing this to feel like i'm not alone in the world, but after tonight, i'm convinced i am. my brother dropped out of school and is running off to san diego with one of my best friends. my mom's not around and i can't talk to her, i don't want to ruin her honeymoon. my friends are never available to talk to. my friends in sioux falls don't call, no one does anymore. it feels like i have nothing anymore, just a pile of possessions and on one to share them with, i don't have a brother around here anymore, i don't have friends around here anymore. i have nothing. and tonight, for a brief second, for a moment, i had a thought, that hasn't come to me for 10 years...suicide. i don't plan on doing it, it's a cowards way, i'm not a coward. school sucks, i haven't been there for about ...two weeks. everyone tells me to finish, or get a degree. no one has a fucking answer, because i'm done thinking for myself, i'm too crazy to. i'm just dead inside, after your father kills yourself, your mom marries someone you're not fond of, after your brother leaves, after the rest of your family abandons you, after all your friends forget about you, how do you deal anymore? you don't. life's too frustrating for me anymore, it looks like...i'm going to have to start rebuilding. start a new life.
because this life...
has failed for me.
love,

times like these...

2005-10-08T07:16:00.000-05:00

countdown: 1 week
event: a unity between a man and a woman
specifics: my mom's getting remarried
thoughts: i don't know
it's weird to explain how i feel these days

i have two minds
i have two families
i'll break it down here
minds? there's two personalities in me, there's the ambitous, sucessful hopeful trav, and then there's dark trav, the one that see's no positive, (the dark trav reminds me of the android from hitchhiker's guide), so these two, are fighting all the time.
families: so my "real" family shat upon me, after all the business was taken care of, we went our own ways..well they did
mom-found happiness with a man i don't trust
brother-lost who he was, forgot who his friends are, forgot who is brother was...old jeff, you are missed, comeback, i miss being geeks, i miss talking for hours and arguing, but now, that old part of you isn't good enough to hang with the new self
i guess just another asshole...once again, you are missed

my new "family"-we are a bunch of misfits, society never wanted us, but they have a new world, one filled with a weird, yet comforting freedom, before my dad died, i was walking this line, of being upright, and snobby, looking down on all "those" people, you know, the people who dress different, have tattoos, piercings, ride motorcycles, etc. but now, i'm all of those, and to be honest, for the first time in my life....i'm accepted.
i'm with "my" people, i'm with the most down to earth people ever, while being the guy i used to look down on, i don't care what people think about me, no one should, ya know? live your fucking life, regardless of what anyone has told you, you are fucking unique, you are different, tyler durden was way off, you ARE a unique snowflake. everyone's different, its' the way the world is, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. i realize this, even i do.
so in essence, if you are reading this, you still give a shit about me...thanks
if you are reading this and know me, drop me a line sometime, i'm depressed and lonely this time of year, and always, always willing to go for a cup of coffee.
as imperfect as my life seems, as shitty as i've made it out to be (most of it is true)...i'm still living
i'm still here to say "i got a lot left in me, what next" i'm ready to take the world on, it'll take a bit, but i'm not fucking stupid, i never really was, i can be "dim" but hey, who isn't?
and just to let all you down kids know, suicide, is never the way to go, it may be a release for you...but think about your peers, your friends, and your family, it destroys everything. it takes them apart piece by piece.
life sucks, god is cruel, well, he's a bit of everything i guess, but you know what???
take a breath of air and realize...you're still alive

music-The Get Up Kids-Four Minute Mile-the officical soundtrack of Trav's autumn, pick it up, it's good, a lot of it reminds me of my first year of college, and now relistening to it after years and years of collecting dust...it brings back feelings i can never describe to you-enjoy it yourself

movie-i've been watching CSI non stop...here, we'll do this
pick a movie that you like...that i might not have seen...and put it in my comments
because you fuckers...
aren't commenting

new toys

2005-09-29T00:45:00.000-05:00

I guess i got a camera phone...so, expect to see. more of me, and my world.
I look so happy, don't I?
oh yeah
music
AFI - Art of Drowning...fucking great album, hasn't left my car for the last few days, i dig it, if you like punk, a high recommendation
movie
Crash-recommended
(reminded me too much of magnolia though (for some reason))

another conversation with a brick wall

2005-09-21T02:17:00.000-05:00

ok, there has been some things bothering me (but if you keep up with this blog, everything bothers me) but i'm utterly convinced that my mom is marrying some gold digging fag (now, normally i'm opposed to this word, but in his case, anyone who's doing this to my mom, deserves worse). i've heard from several accounts of him hitting on guys at bars (even hitting on my downstairs neighbor troy) now, who do i trust? do i tell the truth, or do i let it all fall down? i'm going to sit on it now, but i still plan on doing some recon into the situation, maybe i'm paranoid.
speaking of annoying neighbors...(bad segue) but my neighbor shows up teetering from a massive hangover, he then goes on to tell me that he had his ass beaten at a bar by "a big fucking indian savage" while the bartender let it happen. whatever. later someone pounds at my door, usually troy announces he's at my door, but it was a different knock, so ok, who comes to see me at 11:00 pm, most of my friends are in the dorms, and other friends would call. so, i grab for the bat, crack open the door, and it's troy, he wants to quit drinking, whatever. i'm not gullible, people don't change, i told him to go to AA, he told me he needed a friend who would help him get over this sickness, i kept recommending AA, well, because...i have enough of my own problems, i don't want to have to deal with someone else's, especially an alcholic, i've dealt with one. a female though, try getting your heart broke by someone who likes alcohol more than you...it really crushes a guy. so, regardless of gender and such, i'm not going through it again. i'll move if i have to, change my number.
news...i'm getting my ears repierced, i'm going to 10 gauge and working my way up, why? i'm masochistic and i hate the smell of leather... and i'm also getting more tattoos.
school-going fine, when i go, i need to get more sleep, it's not working.
here's my recommendations for the week
Music-the dismemberment plan-Emergency & I, it's one of those albums that best represents myself, especially my moods, it has your super happy moments, and your reflecting moments. it's gorgeous, a must for anyone who feels quarantined from this world.

movie-i'm still trying to finish my epic japanese movie...i'll get back to you

well, it's time for bed...i think, only if my body allows it, i'll talk to you all later
with much love...

done

2005-09-12T16:51:00.000-05:00

aww, it feels good to take a break, i went up to mitchell for the weekend, hung out at my friends' tattoo shop. i managed to find a kitty in the alley and gave it a home, drew up a design for a tattoo that is now permanetely on someone...it's a good feeling, and i also enjoyed homemade eggrolls. Sunday i headed back to yankton, but stopped in a small town to visit a grave.
i did, and i decided to have a "talk" with my deceased father. i told him what i truly felt, that suicide is truly a chickenshit's way out, i told him that he abandoned us, even before we abandoned us, i told him, he sucked as a father, he really did. but i told him there were many great memories i'll keep with me forever. because years back, he did try, in recent years, he gave up. he was really good at that.
tonight, we go to pick out a headstone for him. it's weird. after that conversation, it feels like a great weight taken off my chest. i don't feel like a new man, but i feel something positive. there's still a gap in me from not having a father that cared, i know that someday it will be patched up.
school's still school. i think i like it more now. after switching majors, i feel, well better accepted, as a computer science major, i now have a comradery among fellow geeks, i dig it. i do not care if someone does label me a "geek." sure, i do like things such as video games, cowboy bebop, films, music, etc. i like a lot of stuff, and i think it's all good stuff, and that's all that matters.
but, simpsons is on, i have got to head out, but once again...i leave you some recommendations

music - Mike Ness - Under the Influence - social distortion front man's solo album, he used this album, i guess, as a sort of homage to his influences, mostly honky tonk, still cool shit. tracks to check out - funnel of love and the honky tonk version of Ball and Chain- it truly rocks

movies - haven't watched any new movies in a bit, i still have a lineup of shit i need to watch, and i'm working on it BUT, i will recommend something different...

Spoken Word - Henry Rollins - think tank & get in the van - great stuff, think tank is mostly rants and raves but funny as hell, get in the van is his life with black flag, both are worth a listen

but i've already missed 7 minutes of simpsons

so bye

a fresh breath of nicotine

2005-09-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

ok, so usd fucked up my transcripts, i'm getting more money...yay...
i haven't had a REAL post in a while, so, here it is. i'm off my meds, because i've decided that human beings are meant to overcome their personal demons, a little pill shouldn't do it. how do i feel? raw. abandoned. lonely. annoyed. i'm decent at least. why raw, because it seems like every day is some sort of battle with stupidity, everything from certain financial aid fucking up your trancripts to a certain mother of mine who's marrying a piece of shit, ok, i've said it. i've been beating around the bush but i've said it. i just don't think he's good enough to marry my mother, but what man is. hell, even my real father never deserved her. abandoned-everyone is doing something else with themselves. bro is in college, best friend is in college, mom's too busy with her new life. annoyed-by my POS neighbor who comes over, drunk all the time and i don't feel like beating him so he never comes back-and i don't want to go to jail again.
positives-i got a bike, a custom yamaha v-star classic, my dream bike, well it looks like my dream bike. i just need to learn how to ride it. but it's this beatiful orange with flames and betty page is painted on the gas tank.
well, that's my life in a nutshell for now
still a mess
but hey...what real life isn't?
sidenote-after hours of watching CSI and playing super smash brothers: Melee-my dreams started revolving around who killed mario...i need a g/f

music-Fugazi-Instrument-a really cool album dedicated to nothing but...well, instrumentals. it plain old rocks and sets a great mood, get it, put it in your car, and drive for miles

movie-hmm, haven't seen anything "new" for a bit, but if you haven't seen it-be sure to watch Boondock Saints-awesome movie, buy it, watch the deleted scenes-i love the scene with the mother

but hope all is well with you all, keep reading-i might sooner or later have something insightful to say

fucked on all fronts

2005-08-30T18:05:00.000-05:00

i hate school, i decided to go back, knowing the misery i'd get from it, the misery came in the form of my financial aid, i'm getting 2600 for an $8000 school, which means, i need to take out loans...i'm pissed. i don't fit in, everyone's the same there and i stick out like a sore thumb, everyone's "pretty." the men have a build and wear nothing but polos and khaki shorts, the women, all of them are blonde, anorexic/bulimic, and all wear the same thing. it's sick, there's no such thing as individuality, it's like their robots, they say the same shit every day
guys-dude, i was so fucking wasted last night
girls-well, like she blah blah blah fucking blah
people do make me sick. i don't belong anywhere really. i guess i'm a nowhere man.

vacation

2005-08-06T18:12:00.000-05:00

i need one, i need a break, i need a road trip where it is just me, a large bottle of soda (preferably dr. pepper) a carton of camel lights...no scratch that, a carton of lucky strikes, my cd's and no one else and i go to wyoming to visit my uncle, sit back, drink some beers and talk about the past events of my life, i need a debriefing, ya know, come to think of it, i really haven't had one. everything's just been a rush and then BAM, nothing. we went from initial shock to making funeral arrangements, to cleaning up and selling an entire farm, to financial dealings and now...nothing. so what have i done, nothing, i don't even really hang out with friends anymore, i've been watching movies, reading, and smoking.
on those rare occurences i do go out, i get stuck doing something i'm not fond of. ever have one of those girls you would do anything before because there is still a part of you that has feelings (although a small part, it still has a loud voice) i know i'll never be with her, (she's pratically engaged, i know better) BUT anyways...i'll do anything for her, when she calls with that sweet voice, i'm jello. she did this last night, said she was at the zebra, then called again saying she was at the cockatoo...the strip club. i'm 22 and an adult, i've never been to a strip club before, but this was that girl you can't say no to. so what do i do, i go, and do i like seeing women in their 40's gyrating...no. do i like having drunk guys stare at me wanting to pick a fight, no. so what did i do, stuck around for an hour, got some food at mcd's and went home and tried falling asleep.
escapes...well, my escapes have consisted of well, smoking a lot of camels, blogging (rarely) listening to music while driving, taking lexepro, and more ink. i got another tattoo, i'm afraid i'm addicted, i enjoyed the feeling, it's hard to explain. it's a rush, and then when it's over you get the sore feeling that you get after being in a fight, your skin is raw and bloody, all to show the world what matters most, forever.
i haven't done this in a while BUT
recommendations
music-arcade fire-funeral-it's one of those not so mainstream acts going to a form of a mainstream-hooked-pretty pretty stuff, thank you chris

movie-well, there's two that i've recently seen and fell in love with

Amores Perros-it reminds me of a hard hitting pulp fiction-but comparing it with pulp fiction is a travesty-it deserves far better, its plot starts with a car accident and goes from there and the impact the accident has and the events leading up to it, and it has dogs...i like dogs

Elephant-directed by Gus Van Sant-takes place in a suburban school on a typical autumn day, very non-linear and it shows the events leading up to a columbine-esque shooting, i loved this, when it ended i was open-mouthed and tearing up-truly beautiful-thing to watch for-the isolation of the characters-wow, in a word, wow

pay back

2005-07-21T04:27:00.000-05:00

i did it, i came through for a friend, i payed him back the money i have owed him for several months...i came through and proved something...i'm good on my word. I also proved something to myself, i can make things happen, i have control of my life...but with that all being said.
i have internet
that makes me happy. maybe
why the "maybe?" well, i realized i have a problem. well, i've known about this problem for quite a while, but now it's gotten to the point where i needed to fix it. depression (can't tell by my blog eh?) and after several phone calls to my mom which ended up in me crying and screaming feeling like life was out of control. after feeling my temper getting the best of me-something that hasn't happened for almost 10 years. i realized something wasn't firing like it used to. i did the thing i didn't want to do...get put on anti-depressants. it was either that or be committed-i chose the less...well, i chose the better i think, still another week to go by and see if they're working.
job...i don't want it, i want to go back to school so i DON'T have to sit in a fucking cubicle ever again surrounded by bitchy women who think i'm an idiot...i do have those tendencies-granted, BUT, i'm serious when it comes to work, after being yelled at for reading between calls and emailing and for being written up for being a minute late...i need new employment, i need positive employment. my stress levels are constantly rising, the meds aren't working on that, that's something i have to take care of, but after going through a day being yelled at by sup's and cardholders...i want something else.
oh, other news...the big one, the big rant in which i throw my feelings into the ring so everyone can show people my TRUE thoughts, my mom's getting remarried, how do i feel? weird, i'm so happy for her, i truly am...(here's the but) but in recent events over the last few months...i don't need any big news, (positive stress is still stress) the guy seems like an alright guy, she's known him for a while and he has kids too. they've been living togehter for a month as "roommates" but it ended up ... well more than roommates. overall, good on my mom, she deserves a good man
but i need to get to bed...and hit the pavement for jobs...again.
if you're a friend, and read this, comment, i like to see who's REALLY keeping tabs haha.
love all

misinterpreted

2005-07-06T09:37:00.000-05:00

just for those who aren't familar with the concept of a "blog" (which stands for web log). a blog is used for several purposes. this particular blog is used as a way of venting and coping with everyday stress and not so everyday stress. it is not used to impress people, if i was really trying to impress people...well, there'd be more than 529 hits on my site (and i've only had this since october). once again, i use this for venting and coping with stress.
i do apologize if i did offend any of you over the past, but usually when i do type this all up, i'm not in a good state. i'm a wreck at all times until i post on here, it's giving my stress to something. i try to be funny on occasion, because humor is always good for the soul, but i know when to be funny and when not to be funny.
pissing your brother off when you're not on so great of terms as it is-is one of those moments when not to be funny.
Jeff, i doubt you'll ever read this again, but if you ever do...i love you, you are my brother, come back around, i need someone else.

almost

2005-06-22T17:40:00.000-05:00

3 days left...
3 days left to the auction of my childhood
few people can say that, i'm unfortunately one of them. everyone wants to have the same house they grew up in, the same parents, and the same friends. to those who actually have that happening in their lives...fuck you for living a lie. i guess i'm angry, yesterday, instead of having a few cool refreshing beverages...i had to move cattle panels, why?
because my dad shot himself, he took a mossberg plinkster .22 pressed it to his neck facing up, and pulled the trigger, because he took the ultimate chicken shit way out. that's why, that's why my life is a mess, one moment nothing, the next moment i'm crying on the phone with my mom while my fist is still bleeding from punching a wall.
my favorite question, how you doing?
"ok"
"not bad"
"i want to take a fire extinguisher and bash someone in the face till there's nothing"
"miserable"
"..."
"i'll be ok"
i think the last one is closest to how i really feel. i still have a harvest basket o'emotions
but saturday, we auction, piece by piece, the last things that tie me to that farm, including the house, then, i walk away and start something else.
that's what's been wrong with me for the longest time, having that one loose thread to take care of, i've made up with almost everyone, except for my father. ironically, my uncle and i discussed me making up with him, the night before. i wonder, sometimes, that if i did make up with him, would he still shoot himself? it's an ongoing puzzle to me. i know i'll solve it someday
...
cd-hope of the states-the lost riots-ever wonder what it's like to lose someone like suicide-listen to this album, i'll end my post with the lyrics to one of my fave songs by them
Don't Go to Pieces
Are you tired and are pushed to the side?
Are you broken whenever you try?
Just get up again and let everyone know
You're gonna try your best, and you'll never let go
Don't you go to pieces now
I need you more than I ever did
Don't you go to pieces now
I need you all the time

Are you angry when you look at the world
So desperate it's making you ill
Don't be alone or frightened by all that you see
There's a million good hearts like you and like me

Don't you go to pieces now
I need you more than I ever did
Don't you go to pieces now
I need you all the time
Don't you go to pieces now
I need you all the time
Don't you go to pieces now
I need you all the time

It's alright to be alone sometimes
But please come back tomorrow
I need you all the time
It's alright to be alone sometimes
But please come back tomorrow
I need you all the time
The people you leave behind
Will worry all the time
Why don't you realise
And why won't you try?

i'm back

2005-06-11T20:06:00.000-05:00

ok, so i've been "gone" for a bit, why? i got a fucking job working at a credit card center, that's right, i'm helping americans get into more debt...the dumb bastards, haha. and for once, i might actually be at *GASP* a good job
why?
1.) i have not heard ANY country music in my job.
2.) there are more cars than pickups (pickups = bad)
3.) i don't have to be face to face with customers, i have the saftey of a phone line
4.) people actually either a.) get my humor or b.) pretend they do, i don't get the looks of confusion anymore
5.) co-workers know how to do math
6.) drug test
7.) there's a constant supply of coffee
8.) i have not yet been invited to join a paintball league run by a guy who wears shirts that say slayer or sepultura
9.) instead of going through 2 days of training and then being placed on the phone only to panic and hide under the desk, crying uncontrollably, i get three+ weeks, but the crying under the desk-still inevitable
10.) i have not heard "git-r-done"

i know, i'm not that excited, but yeah, a fucking job, that makes the world a better place. other news, i got an apartment, it's a bit rundown, but...it's my own apartment. other financial news...the life insurance is coming in, REAL soon. i'll bet out of debt soon (fingers crossed).
in other news, for the first time in a long time, i'm feeling something...hope. i feel my life turning back to the direction it used to be, i feel like i'm actually thinking again, i'm almost there, but i don't know where "there" is. it feels like i'm on a change for the best.
CD-Jets To Brazil-Orange Rhyming Dictionary-awesome album-it's the perfect blend of distress and relaxation (hard to describe the mood i get from them, it's an up and down experience.)
movie-Night of the Creeps - horrible 80's b movie-there is a part in the movie in which the sidekick to the hero is visiting the restroom and written on the stahl wall, is the band name Stryper..the movie sucked, i fell asleep, but any movie that can reference Stryper, the christian hair metal band, is alright in MY book.

yours truly
(and kicking ass)
-

maybe...just maybe

2005-05-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

ok, so i had the second interview for the bank job today...i find out tuesday...
spent some time in sioux falls a couple days ago, it was very very needed. by the way, this is a quick post, i have nothing really to say, except i'm going camping tonight, wahoo.

cd-Weezer-Make Believe-i've been a weezer fan for years, love them, the new album, unlike everyone...love it, it's good, it's combining the awesomeness of the first two albums-but it's not as good (but no album will ever be that good)

Movies-I heart Huckabees-got interrupted twenty minutes into it...damn people, but it looked good

feeling nowhere

2005-05-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

i have an interview tomorrow, at a bank processing center. i hope i get it...
yeah, at a concert tonight...i don't know why, i was there for friends, and after awhile, i felt out of place, i don't know why, maybe because i was one of the oldest ones there, or maybe, i just don't belong in this town and or state, i only moved down here because i was poor as shit. i'm even more broke, thank you baldwin filters...
speaking of which, i saw that supervisor at the pan last night, i thanked her, for firing me on my mom's 50th i also made sure to thank her for the three weeks of unemployment, without it, i wouldn't have been able to deal with my father's suicide, so in other words...it was a fuck you for making my life MORE miserable.
saw the new star wars movie last night...it was excellent, i sat in the line for 3 and a half hours...unemployment does have its benefits, got my tickets, came back at 10 and waited for two more hours and then, it was awesome, Lucas made up for the first two movies, i was very happy. other than that...
CD of the day-A Perfect Circle-Mer De Noms
Movie of the day-Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
Feeling-alone and alienated-i need culture

a blah day

2005-05-17T20:00:00.000-05:00

woke up late this morning, realize how much i need to start doing something with my life...i've been pathetic. three weeks without a job, any suggestions? at least i still have cigarettes and a couch. instead of watching people play xbox, i decided to catch up on internet trends, i.e.-"googling" one's own name...what did i come up with? the obituary for my father and my name listed as one of the south dakota students who got to perform at carnegie hall. yeah, i should start doing something more with this site as well, i think i might rip off my friend's idea and review media. for starters...

i would like to take this oppurtunity to list my top ten albums(at this moment, my opinion changes over time)
1.The Beatles - Revolver (this is the best album of all time)
2.Neutral Milk Hotel - In the aeroplane over the sea (it's oh so pretty, be sure to check out all the side projects from this)
3.The Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I (goosebumps-enough said)
4.Alkaline Trio - Maybe I'll Catch Fire (i generally hate emo, but there are very few bands i like, alkaline being one of them, their lyrics are very original and their title track describes what it's like to be alone and depressed)
5.Ben Folds Five - every album (i know, i know. i should just pick one album, but i can't, start off with whatever and ever amen)
6.Guster - Lost and Gone Forever -(wow, just wow)
7.Face To Face -Don't Turn Away -(motivational punk-it's awesome)
8.Radiohead - The Bends (yes, The Bends is my fave radiohead album. so? well, be sure to checkout Ok Computer as well)
9.Sublime - 40 oz. to freedom -(yeah, i used to smoke pot, but either way, great album)
10.Weezer - self-title blue album - (their first, and one of their best, i'll throw this is in my cd player, sing along to every song and be happy, great album)
these albums i recommend to everyone

my new old friend

2005-05-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

still jobless...still very very jobless, but i have my health. after dealing with a lawyer, asshole relatives, and auctioneers, i'm happy to be having a night to myself in sioux falls. i was cordially invited to a bday party tonight, by a girl. i've known sarah since my freshman year, then lost touch with her over the last few years, then she just appeared one night, it's weird how that works. anyways, she rocks. my tattoos are still sore, it annoys me to no end. good news on the farm front, i think we might be able to cover the $90,000 debt that are father left behind, by selling everything, farmland, house, childhood memories. this last week, an extreme rollercoaster of emotions, i caught myself blowing up and punching walls and then crying on the phone with my mom. it's a fucking mess. he killed himself and left behind piles and piles of paperwork such as disability rejections, bills, insurance papers, etc. he also left 80 acres of land, 6 head of cattle (which sold for 800 a head), machinery, and anything worth selling so we can take care of things. part of me is just worn out, part of me is angry at him for doing this to us, part of me is sad and part of me blames myself for not being a better son (this is a small part). so i guess, this is how all people deal with a suicide.

memorials

2005-05-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

ok, so i believe that tonight, i'm buying into a trend, a legacy if you will, i'm getting my first tattoo, maybe two of them. the first one will be a memorial to a friend that was the inspiration that fuels jeff and i, his name was eric and he died march 18th, 2002, his nickname was pooky. so one day it came to me, i want the pooky from garfield tattooed on me playing the bass and jeff wanted the same thing, only his pooky would be playing the accoustic guitar. my other tattoo would be the japanese character for family, after recent events, my brother and i decided to get that as well. other wise than that, the job hunt is on. i lost my job on the 29th of april, the sup did not like me and told the boss lady i was "too slow." the 29th was my mom's 50th bday and it was a day before the death of my father, i just want to say, that i would wish for that vindictive bitch to burn in hell for adding more misery and stress to my life. so anyways...enough hate for now, i'm still numb, not feeling any emotion, i don't even have ambition anymore. so the job hunt is taking longer than expected. well, back to the job hunt, take care of yourselves, and oh yeah, tell all of your family members that you love them, you never know what tomorrow holds.

voices from the past

2005-05-05T20:08:00.000-05:00

saturday, april 30th...
the unbelievable happened, after losing his bus driving job (19 years) my father who i have not spoken to in over 4 years, took his own life.
wednesday was the funeral, i don't feel much like going into detail, i've repeated everything and everything more than 5 times...but right now, to describe my mood...
numb, very numb, no feeling, it hasn't hit me, i'm not in denial, i'm not in any of the grieving stages, i'm numb. i'm saddened, angered, and so on, but i can't consistently carry an emotion, so ...
i'm numb

a new life?

2005-04-10T02:52:00.000-05:00

i did it, i realized that i was absolutely trapped, not going anywhere, dying inside every day from the monotony of having to pamper people, i was done. i hated my two jobs, i hated repeating the same thing day in and out, and i hated the idea of my mom supporting me. so i moved, to yankton.
yes, i moved back to the place i tried forgetting. i guess, sooner or later, we return home with out tails between our legs, and that's just what i did. i did come back to a family with arms open waiting for me, family is always good. i left with people pissed at me, guys, i'm sorry. i failed as a roommate but more importantly, i failed as a friend.
i got a new job right away at a telemarketing place, the pay was good, but having cokeheads for supervisors, wasn't. cokeheads sure are moody. so i'm starting a new job on monday, i think it'll be good. i've been thinking all night, about what i'm going to do, i've thought of the medical side of a career and i've thought about film. then it occurred to me, it sucks not having anyone to talk to (this is why i do this, i just need people to listen). i think i'm going back into psychology so i could help adolescents with their problems, and focus on drug and alcohol abuse, i've seen too much of it in my life, and it's pointless. so i think that's what i'm going to do.
i went and saw sin city tonight, it was amazing. that's all i'm going to say about that.

then i got a call from the mom tellling me she was at the theaters as well, i asked who she went with...
she had a date, a fucking date. my parents have been divorced for the last 5 years, and i don't know if i can deal with another "father" figure in my life. i have no idea what to think. last night i realized that my family was complete, and now this? i don't know. thoughts anyone??

well, i'll be posting a lot more, so...feel free to comment and let me know if you read this.

unraveled

2005-02-13T02:43:00.000-06:00

tonight, has been, an utter rollercoaster ride of tragedy, loss, and the great Unknown kicking me when i'm down. first, i'm in yankton, hometown, so i can get my taxes done and my eyes checked out. taxes...will be good, hopefully. eyes...my eyes need surgery sooner or later, my eyesight still remains its pitiful condition, but i get new frames out of the deal. then, after spending hours upon hours troubleshooting my roommates computer with a friend and calling its death at 16:09 Saturday, the poor bastard. now, the serious part
months back, almost a year back, i fell in love with a girl, stupid me, i ended up with a really cool friend out of the deal. i come back after not speaking to her for months and discover she has been on heroin. i don't blame myself, and i never will, but the way she has been acting (she didn't remember my brother, a classmate of hers) and after seeing her tonight, i had it confirmed, a lost cause.
after driving around for hours listening to the most perfect rain music, i decided to stop at home, check email, and make payments...
one day late on my laptop loan...i'm charged with 117 extra dollars of late fees. so yeah, more money i have to fight for.
so, on my way to the pan, as usual, to make it in time to visit my bro, i did a rolling stop through a stop sign, in front of a cop...i now have a ticket to take care of.
well, at least i didn't hear git r done tonight...i would've killed someone with a spoon or drowned them in a urinal..
so, life falls apart, the real question is...can i put it back together, or should i file bankruptcy (or according to our landlords, "bankrupsy"-we found their "bankrupsy" files when we moved in) and live off of welfare...fuck that
i need a real job
fuck the man-"he" only gets richer off of dumb kids like me who need a buck
fuck the woman-it sucks working under a woman-they are more ruthless and evil then men
fuck the office-i'm surrounded by women who got married at age 19 to 21 and are in ignorant bliss since-if i see one more of their kids being brought into the office, i will drop kick it
fuck the banks/credit cards-you'll get your money...when i'm damn ready to give it to you
fuck school-well fuck USF, there's better stuff out there
fuck chemicals-i might need to start taking the "henry rollins approach" when it comes to friends on drugs
and...
well, i'm out of things to curse at...except halo 2..
and school children.

crossroads

2005-02-03T04:08:00.000-06:00

the name travis means "one who is at crossroads." with that being said i have to wonder, do people actually live their name? because i do. I'm stuck between a heaven and a hell...heaven is going to school and making something of myself and hell is living in my mom's basement. i'm not going to school and i'm not living in my mom's basement quite yet. it's just weird, after being in school (from elementary to now) for 16 years and ...taking a break, is weird, it's like a summer, but not, it sucks, no one knows how much it sucks. i ended up calling my mom up on a friday night and asking..."do you think i'm a failure?" she of course said no and told me to get my shit together. i've wasted 3 and a half years of school on what? worthless shit. my mom thinks i should get back into youth ministry...
it's not that i don't believe in God and it's not that i am not a christian...i just dislike the vast majority of the brainwashed, close minded, homophobic, racist, sheep known as modern christians. (i can judge them...can't i?) BUT, watching kids grow up and not experience that thing called life, just sucks, i've done it before. kids who are too afraid of sinning to make mistakes, to learn the real way, kids who are too sheltered to take in REAL culture such as music and art (none of this christian rock bullshit, it's all a bunch of musical hacks who failed at mainstream anyways). so with all that being said...what else is there for me? another religion? a different location, a new school? new friends?- who don't constantly point out my shortcomings hoping for me to improve on them when instead...it makes me fucking depressed.
yes, i'm ugly
yes, i'm portly
yes, i'm not all there
yes, i don't think as much as i need to
yes, i'm financially and physically irresponsible...
so what.
i'm trying to change
after all
i don't want to be a failure for that long

trav

looking at a 7 am winter scene at 2:47 at night

2005-01-24T03:06:00.000-06:00

the moon tonight...words fail to describe it. i was suddenly reminded why i miss living on a farm. away from the sounds and lights of a city. instead, having the sounds of nothing...or an occasional coyote howling. summer is going to be awesome, we'll be able to sit outside, smoke, and stay warm. i realize how nostalgic i really am. i miss getting woken up to the sound or smell of breakfast being made or having to wake up at 5 in the fucking morning to milk cows with my father. i miss waking up in t middle of the night to go and take a piss outside (there is something poetic about pissing at night with no one around, it's hard to explain to anyone) all that now...is gone, i forgot most of the good memories of the farm and my father and replaced them with utter hate. but, i guess, life always has its ups and downs. i hate this reflecting shit, i guess i am "emo" but hey, at least i, unlike most emo kids, never had a relationship in highschool to write about...i just had awkwardness and heavy metal...haha.
well, i must go to bed, i get to watch a confidentiality training video at work tomorrow...i do get paid for it at least.
so, night everyone
trav

epiphany

2005-01-19T03:25:00.000-06:00

alright, after one of those random epiphanies (i rarely have them anymore) and a moment of clarity (nice weather) i thought for once, about going back into nursing, and then pursuing my doctorate, why?
a.)i've always wanted to do a career in which i help people and make enough money
b.)ever since i was little, i wanted to become a vet and/or doctor
after going through some medical records and just reading the history and physicals and diagnoses on numerous patients and realizing, my god, this shit makes sense to me (i went to nursing school for a semester and all this stuff sticks in my head, i just need a refresher). i'm going to research this one and see what i have to do. med school? later on, i plan on doing the whole nursing thing for a while just so i can catch up on bills. i realize that i might have to do things that scare (see old people naked) but as long as they are getting the help and support that they need, fuck yeah. i already work at a hospital, they might help me out on this one, cool wit me. but for now, i'm going to play some halo 2 and enjoy the perks of having xbox live.
love you all
my roommates rock
shaun-you're overbearing and a controlling prick, but i need it
john-you compensate for my feminine side
matt-you've earned your way into the honorary brother title
nolan-your geekiness and meekness warms all of our hearts
liz-you're the only one that scares me-but you always keep things alive around here
signing off...

night of shame = day old casey doughnuts

2005-01-10T23:41:00.001-06:00

so yeah, i'm taking a semester off, i'm so sick of having to deal with money and smiley faced financial aid officers who just want to "help you" into a nervous breakdown. i need something else, and i need to figure out what i want to do with my life, whether it be film school or even law school, i just need something i'll enjoy, ya know? this is what happens when you don't decide, 3 and a half years of school and i have nothing to show for it except a big debt and a big wealth of ...nothing. i need out.

things i've learned from retail

2005-01-08T20:29:00.000-06:00

after working at a popular electronics store, i've learned that

1.)if people want a ps2/xbox/nintendo ds NOW, and if they don't get it they throw wrestling games at cd racks
2.)old people are obsessed with Josh Groban and Daniel O'Donnel, Benny Goodman has been replaced by an obviously gay kid and a religious zealot...
3.)i'm horribly behind the times (e.g. who the hell is lil jon and what is crunk?)
4.)people with good music taste are few, but will always stop and chit chat with you, this makes me happy, Tom Waits couple-you guys rule
5.)impatient people are funny, they have no consideration for your own personal needs (a couple waited for me to come out of the bathroom...)
6.)people in general, are terrified of computers, gaming systems, tv's, and anything else that requires the intelligence of a monkey
7.)all the managers have yet to refer to me as Trav...it's always Hey, or Hey you, they'll take the time to do the awkward back pat but won't remember your name, damn.
8.)the security guys don't like it when you tell them they have a "trust issue"
9.)the highest shoplifted cd's-rap and latina-the lowest-wang chung
10.)that people wearing nascar clothes ask for two things-blue collar comedy tour and the Dale Earnhardt movie...no buddy, get it done you stupid fucking, inbred, sheep fucking, cousing raping, pickup driving, minority hating, sack of shit.

i hate this state, but we have mt. rushmore...

home is where my bed is...

2005-01-05T22:03:00.000-06:00

moved in, relaxed, productive...somewhat. ok after weeks and weeks of planning, we're in, this is good, very good. working like a dog, not having much a chance to listen to music and watch movies, but...i'll manage. i have nothing to say.

the morale is good

2004-12-15T01:51:00.000-06:00

1:13 pm, monday afternoon, phone call wakes me up from my supervisor at Sioux Valley, wants to know if I would like a part time job filing...yes, yes i told her. lo and behold...i now have a second job. i can afford the necessities such as...movies. that's about it.
i have nothing else to say.

there's snow on the ground...

2004-12-10T06:14:00.000-06:00

fina FUCKING lly, snow, it's switching seaons, being stuck in a perpetual fall...is too much, fall's my most depressing time of the year. i'm for once...happy for snow, if you can't tell, i updated the SHIT out of my blog, new facelift and ...maybe later SPINNING RIMS!!!
...so, prob not spinning rims, i can't stand those things, and i have no idea why people by them, and i can't help but feel sorry for those who by spinning rim hubcaps. ANYWAYS, it's late, it's very very late, i'm all by myself in the computer lab at USF, everyone is asleep, just the way i like it, being in this solitary confinement has its own advantages such as freedom from obnoxious football players reciting the britlliant art that is known as larry the cable guy, freedom from baptists who wish to pray for me everytime i say FUCK really loud (demons), and freedom from ditzy volleyball girls who laugh at me, the joke is on you-i won't get knocked up by my dumb boyfriend.
anyways, that's it for now, peace.

i light a cigarette and watch the night melt away

2004-12-09T03:08:00.000-06:00

tonight has been one of those ever so dreaded nights of emotion and thought, i rarely have those anymore, i guess i haven't been intellectually stimulated in a while. after reading my blog i realize something, i bitch too much. i may have had a shitty run of things recently, but times get like that, ya know? i have made a realization, after all the schools and all the majors, i realize what i need to do, something. i'm afraid of growing up i guess, i hang out with people that act the same as i do, i'm afraid that once i graduate i'll have to be responsible, get married, and have kids and do nothing after that. but what i've realized, is that i've done so many things that few people have done. i've sung at carnegie hall, i've had a girlfriend, i've had MORE than one loved one saved from cancer, i've experienced sex, drugs and rock and roll (they're all over rated), i've met the best and worst of people and realized that there are more "best" than "worst." i've listened to the best music and seen the best movies. and do you know what the best part is? i have a lifetime to do more, i want to see europe, i want to fall in love in paris, i want to get lost in japan, i want to see more concerts, i want to make more friends, etc. i guess my depression is almost over, life isn't all that bad, it's more bad than good, but those good parts, those fleeting moments in life that happen out of nowhere, those moments that you realize that life isn't all that bad, whether it be for days, or even seconds, those are the moments most worth living for.
whether it be looking into the eyes of a girl you love while lying next to her listening to music, or kissing a girl for the first time, graduating high school and realizing that you'll never be ignored again, or having a cigarette out in a blizzard all by yourself talking to God, or seeing your brother out of the mental institution, or having a girl cry on you, or having the sun come out on your friend's funeral, or watching one of those movies that end with you having a smile and eyes filled with tears...these are the moments we have to look forward, these moments make me forget that...these are shitty times.
sorry for this rambling, but i felt i have to get it off my chest
trav
"one day i am gonna grow wings" -radiohead

november comes to an end

2004-11-30T13:51:00.000-06:00

as it should, this month has proven to be the biggest fuck up of them all, i have two weeks to get caught up with classes, and i will, i have no time for work, but i'm poor, i need to rob a liquor store or...find a better job, i'm thinking the latter would suffice. i'm transferring to a different school with...less tui†ion and more fun stuff to play with for now, i'm bored with the school known as USF, full of over zealous Baptists (†o me, that's redundant) as well as rich, spoiled kids. i'm getting out, and it never has felt so good, with my new school, i might be able to enjoy a differen† state or even, a different country, that makes me happy, thanks for reading and please keep on reading, my life can't be THAT boring.
love
trav

well

2004-11-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

back at home, things aren't too bad around here, my friend is out of HSC, life is calming down a lot more, i think i might know what to do with my life, otherwise than that, just a quick note.
trav

i hate this school

2004-11-17T00:20:00.000-06:00

another day, slept away, while i still pay...
that's the bad thing about this school, i stopped caring, i'm behind, but at least i'm catching up on my finances...i fucking hate this school, the idea of film school is getting better and better each day..the idea of creating a world which everyone can enjoy...just seems great. i like film. i finally saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...i was blown away, i got teary eyed at the end, just a happy movie, while watching it with an old "friend" who turned out to like me very much, i just became overwhelmed with ... something. i need out of this state, this girl i was with just seemed...like a trap...this state is a trap.
trav

out

2004-10-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

as of 3 pm, tuesday, my bro has left the cold and institutional hands of the state hospital in yankton. life is getting better, midco still looks promising, best buy is giving me more hours...things always look better when you've hit rock bottom. classes are consistent, i'm about a c student so far, i need to do better, this semester has been too much of a dick around one, my apathy has caught up. i'm constantly broke, i go to a school that is about 18,000 a semester, i can't afford it (well i can BARELY) and i have to sit in the same room with two things i hate and will stand against. 1.)rich kids, i fucking hate rich kids, i hate them i hate them i hate them, i pray for a drug overdose or something, these kids don't know what it's like to work. they don't know what RAMEN tastes like (delicious). they haven't had to do shit jobs such as a courtesy person at econofoods (bagger). some kid drives a brand stinking new honda s2000, he's a freshman, need i say more.
and
2.)baptists, baptists annoy me, they don't have an extensive background as do well...catholics and lutherans (i'm a lutheran looking to be a catholic...i'm strange). baptists are annoying for several reasons, they're close minded-in a class of 50, two people including myself and Asher, the coolest gay guy in the world, are in support of gay marriage. I seem to be the only one who has ever tried drugs or admits to masturbation, (men, we all do it, get over it). they are judgemental-my friend had a prayer chain done to him because he wrote in article in the campus paper about his hatred of mice...
i could go on all day, but i won't. i just hatenot having people around that i love and care for, all my friends are either a.)not in this town or anymore or b.) don't go to this school. no one seems to talk to me (i think it's because i dress like grunge is still in...). but i must go away now, i feel some halo craving coming in. love you all, thanks for reading my blog.
trav
oh yeah, this is my friend's blog.

so...yeah

2004-10-23T04:44:00.000-05:00

after having a long day of nothing, the weird happened, i got three phone calls, one was from an employment agency, offering me 2 jobs, woohoo, the next one was from the greatest girl in the world, Tanya, about a concert back in my home town/3rd world, the third one, was from a very nice job, i had a over-the-phone interview...it went well, i go in monday, if i get this job...hallelujah. my head itches, i'm getting angry, i need better shampoo, or a hair cut. yes, this blog needs a fucking face lift, it's lame, its so lame...that this makes mine look better. people have way too much time on their hands. grr, i need sleep, and i have to fucking turn this midterm in, shaun beckons me for some editing question that i'll pretend to know...so for now though,
love
trav

back from home

2004-10-19T03:00:00.000-05:00

after a well rested weekend, i have made my journey back into civilization, back into a world with more fryn' pans and 24/7 walmarts...
the bro is going to be stuck in HSC for maybe 2 to 4 weeks more...drat. that place is going to make him crazy, and they keep on edging him on, i'm just waiting for them to make him snap and make him go to that "little cushy room." oh well, if it's for his best, i should not complain, should i? this week is hte week where i get things done, i have to a.) find a third job, b.) get a hair cut, c.) finish the boy scout project d.) get classes taken care of, i've neglected school for far too long.
saturday night was what i needed in a while, sit around with friends, watch them consume their addictions, play halo (1337), watch drama unfold, goof around (such as having a paintbush/spoon match with my friend andy) . most importantly, getting to hang with the mom, good times. by the way, thanks kitty kariall, you made my day :). people, please comment...or i'll be more depressing (is that possible). oh yeah check this out. i hate christian music (with the exception of Five Iron Frenzy and Calibretto)...because i'm anti-evangelical. overly religous people are annoying.
i used to be like that, then i grew up. i've done everything except play with snakes and speak in tongues (or gibberish for those who are realistic). i've been to youth rallies, i decided to WAIT until marriage (which was another way of saying, most women won't fuck me, now-i just don't care), i've played in praise rallies, i've read most of the bible, i've been prayed over, i've given my testimony numerous times, i went to a baptist school (still do) to become a youth minister. but after having the church tell me right after we left my father at the farm for beating us and calling us all worthless pieces of shit, that God would like us to be one big happy family again. and after being constantly annoyed by baptists, i gave up. but i'm hinking catholicism WoW is for me....seriously.
anyways...with my opinions and blah blah, love you all.
and vote, make a difference. right now is where i'm supposed to say DON'T VOTE FOR BUSH, but...i'm going to say, honestly, vote for someone who knows what they're doing (i.e., no draft).
trav

don't vote bush-draft bad, war bad, fundamentalist against gay marriage-very bad.

i hate this state

2004-10-16T03:40:00.000-05:00

right about now, i hate alot of things. usually this time of year is my favorite. but this time, just sucks. being home just makes me more depressed, i met up with the ex tonight, i'm a glutton for punishment-it always seems awkward, but when there's no one else-it doesn't matter. my bro is locked up in the state hospital for killing himself because of worthless friends and an even more worthless father. sometimes, one can't help feeling alone in the world. like no one gets you. the only reason i want out of this state (besides the constant redneck persuasion and the "get er done" lifestyle they lead) because there's no one for me. sure, i have friends, but it just seems there has to be something more than this. working dead end jobs for next to nothing, my mom works more hours than i do, fuck best buy.
i know, i sound depressed, but i can't help it,it's just this time of year. at least it's not winter yet. the pan was great in yankton tonight, saw a bunch of people and i actually LEFT when the bar rush hit, nothing worse than seeing people in their 30's reliving their frat and high school days. they're like the guys in high school that drove camaros and played football, now they're working at car washes and other wastes while their successful classmates are in suburbia with their suv's and soccer nazi children. people are boring, haha.
link of the day www.monkeyfarts.org, there's a ton of great stuff off of there. otherwise than that, tv seems interesting, so does random internet browsing. keep reading, i'm bound to be interesting sooner or later.
trav

slept the day away

2004-10-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

classes, i have yet to understand their importance...actually i do, i just don't feel like it anymore. this week has shown me a lot. i need to get out of this state, and never come back (except for thanksgiving and christmas). i barely have anything left here, my friends aren't all that plentiful, BUT, they are great nonetheless. i saw one of my friends at the pan ,he had just got back from visiting a mutual friend from Maine, when asked how the friend in maine was doing, the guy said a lot better than us. it just struck me, that this really is a hell hole. if anyone from the midwest is reading this, do yourselves a favor, get out, everyone needs to leave this wasteland filled with fundamentalist, flag waving, bush loving, nascar watching, un-original retards. i fucking hate this state. ...fuck
trav

almost

2004-10-13T07:20:00.000-05:00

i'm steps away from being finished with the infamous boy scout project, after having it deleted by an asshole professor, i'm moments away from putting the rough draft on disc and going from there, wish me luck. oh yeah, my brother's doing a lot better, depending on the doctor's decision, my bro might have to go the whole route to health again which means him being in the state hospital from anywhere to 30 to 60 days, but, if it's needed, it's needed. hopefully medicaid kicks in as well.
anyways...i'm almost done, the professor is down stairs right now, i'm waiting for him to come up here.
but for now..courage
trav

life speaks to me again

2004-10-12T06:43:00.000-05:00

ever have one of those days? you know, the one where you sleep till 5 pm, watch simpsons, play gta 3 for 2 hours, watch invader zim all because you don't care...maybe just me. at 10:30 pm-ish, i got a call from the mom, telling me to get some more hours and finish my boy scout promo video-yeah i know i have to do this...then she says listen to me carefully...ok, i thought-more lecture. as of tonight, you're brother is in the HSC (human services center) after trying to kill himself...we all know what happens next, everyone has this feeling-where your stomach swallows your heart-you become short of breath-you reach for your nearest addiction (in my case, a cigarette) and start trying to cope. turns out, my brother has been suicidal for quite a while, no one's really bothered telling me until tonight. depression does run in my family, runs rampant in fact. jeff has told me he has tried before, and being the self-absorbed prick, i failed to realize the cry for help. after have friends treat him like shit, not being able to get off of work for his band competition, and running over a cat, these things set him off (there are several factors of course). for once in several months, i felt something, i'm a very cold and un-emotional person (i'm just dead inside)and for once, i literally had a wake up call. i need to start earning money to take my brother's income's place. i need to get organized so my mom's tumor markers go down (stress affects this). i think the topper to all of this would be a relapse of cancer for my mother...wouldn't that be perfect???
i hate days like this, where reality slaps you in the face with stress-it's like-here, you're failing at everything else-here's some more!!! i'm starting to think this really is a higher issue-i haven't been to church in forever, i turned my back on the ministry-i wonder if this is some evil heavenly master plan to get me back into good terms with God. i really really wonder. i guess we'll find out sooner or later. that's the one thing i hate-i'm still a christian in a loose sense, i still believe in God, i always have and always will, i've just been through so much, i don't know if holding on to a higher power is me just believing in something to get me by, or is there truly a higher being that gives a shit about us? these are the questions that always run through my head...aside from the "why don't women find me attractive?" ordeal. turns out, i'm not attractive to attractive chicks, but to shut-in girls, i'm the best thing ever. oh that reminds me, fuck you maddie you shut in piece of shit, i have no one else ot take this out on except you, there, displacement, fun for a boy and a girl.
well, i'm off to work on that fucking project, if it's gone, deleted, or missing, i'm fucking going to wake that professor up tongiht, or break his fucking car's windshield with a baseball bat. anyways...stress leads to tons of illness and overall health problems, smoke instead, it's better in the long run.
trav

new

2004-10-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

this is my blog, isn't it exciting??? i thought not. anyways...
my older blog can be viewed at... cliffordmao.journalspace.com
what to say, not much, it's a friday night, i'm bored as hell, this whole being stuck in the midwest thing...isn't great. so i'm trapped in debt, so i'm doomed to be a slave in the system for the rest of my life...at least i have my true love...oh wait, that's right, turns out the women in this state...suck. well, most of them, this state is filled with your run of the mill, we look like mtv, girls. i'm bitchy...i know, and by now, you probably realize this...this is life though, people don't have blogs to talk about their common days, people have blogs to bitch, to confess, to entertain, all of my purpose. so, describing myself, i'm a college student, and i don't want to be, college is a joke, it's ...a pattern like everything else is. go to grade school, then force yourself through the agony and torture known as high school. graduate and go to college, just to show your classmates that you are better than them. does this work?
in a way, yes and in a way, no. because you have to stay in school for four years, five in my case. college comes around, for people like me...it's just like high school, except i can now smoke and deal with porn (legally of course). classes are mandatory, you don't have to go, but you're just wasting public and loan money. this is a time, to discover who you truly are...or just think that in order to consume alcohol and fun narcotics. roommate placement, what a joke, getting paired with a preppy reagan youth soccer playing baptist blows ass. but anways, flash forward to three schools and six major changes later, and already unsure about the one you're on, life does tend to suck. anyways...moving on, i'm depressing, i'm cynical, but hey, at least i'm still alive.
the one, the only,
trav