ever have one of those days? you know, the one where you sleep till 5 pm, watch simpsons, play gta 3 for 2 hours, watch invader zim all because you don't care...maybe just me. at 10:30 pm-ish, i got a call from the mom, telling me to get some more hours and finish my boy scout promo video-yeah i know i have to do this...then she says listen to me carefully...ok, i thought-more lecture. as of tonight, you're brother is in the HSC (human services center) after trying to kill himself...we all know what happens next, everyone has this feeling-where your stomach swallows your heart-you become short of breath-you reach for your nearest addiction (in my case, a cigarette) and start trying to cope. turns out, my brother has been suicidal for quite a while, no one's really bothered telling me until tonight. depression does run in my family, runs rampant in fact. jeff has told me he has tried before, and being the self-absorbed prick, i failed to realize the cry for help. after have friends treat him like shit, not being able to get off of work for his band competition, and running over a cat, these things set him off (there are several factors of course). for once in several months, i felt something, i'm a very cold and un-emotional person (i'm just dead inside)and for once, i literally had a wake up call. i need to start earning money to take my brother's income's place. i need to get organized so my mom's tumor markers go down (stress affects this). i think the topper to all of this would be a relapse of cancer for my mother...wouldn't that be perfect???
i hate days like this, where reality slaps you in the face with stress-it's like-here, you're failing at everything else-here's some more!!! i'm starting to think this really is a higher issue-i haven't been to church in forever, i turned my back on the ministry-i wonder if this is some evil heavenly master plan to get me back into good terms with God. i really really wonder. i guess we'll find out sooner or later. that's the one thing i hate-i'm still a christian in a loose sense, i still believe in God, i always have and always will, i've just been through so much, i don't know if holding on to a higher power is me just believing in something to get me by, or is there truly a higher being that gives a shit about us? these are the questions that always run through my head...aside from the "why don't women find me attractive?" ordeal. turns out, i'm not attractive to attractive chicks, but to shut-in girls, i'm the best thing ever. oh that reminds me, fuck you maddie you shut in piece of shit, i have no one else ot take this out on except you, there, displacement, fun for a boy and a girl.
well, i'm off to work on that fucking project, if it's gone, deleted, or missing, i'm fucking going to wake that professor up tongiht, or break his fucking car's windshield with a baseball bat. anyways...stress leads to tons of illness and overall health problems, smoke instead, it's better in the long run.
trav